A small gesture of gratitude....

I have been reading many blogs off late when I feel like taking a break. There were a lot of heart rendering posts about how each individual missed their parents in some way and unfortunately some of them lost their parents too. They all spoke about how they missed telling their dad/mom how much they loved him/her and this feeling of regret of having lost the opportunity to express their deep sense of love and gratitude.

Reading all these posts stirred in me the same feeling. I have not seen my parents for more than a year now, despite living in India for various reasons. My mom's birthday is on the 30th Aug and S and I decided to make a surprise visit to Chennai and of course, I will enjoy all my time with my family and I know for a fact that amma will be thrilled to bits and I cant wait to see the expression on her face. I am soooooo looking forward to it.

I talk to my Amma everyday and in all the excitement, I dont really talk to Appa much, unless we have something important to talk to each other about. Of course, it doesnt mean that I love him any less....it is just the way we are! It is Appa's birthday on the 18th September and even if I would love to extend my stay in chennai till then, my office would decide that I might stay there for as long as I want!!!! :D

So I finally came up with this brilliant idea ( So i think! lets see if Appa likes it!) of writing a letter to him about all my memories of him as a kid and what I feel about him and what an awesome dad he is to me. I finished the letter and showed S and he thinks its really touching and wishes we have kids who feel the same way about us! ( I think that's a good enough reaction!) . I have inserted some pictures of me and Appa in between and plan to make it little fancy and get creative. I improvise on it everyday. Once I am done, I plan to print it out on a photo paper and give it to him. I know appa and am sure he will cherish this more than any material gifts I can give him.

I feel damn good about it and I am happy I will not have regrets as far as my parents are concerned with this small little gesture! :-) Life is short and it is important to let your loved ones know how much you love them at every opportunity. As I see relationships fail all around me, I am very grateful to God for all the lovely people in my life and the unconditional love I receive. GOD BLESS!!

Myth Buster!

Disclaimer: All these myths and assumptions of mine are busted! They are applicable to ME and ME alone! Please do not relate to this post and make absurd comments in MY blog. Genuine comments with your own identity are welcome!

Myth: If you earn loads of money, you have a great career.
Fact: You have a great career, when you enjoy the work you do and look forward to go to work everyday. I earn reasonably good money, and most importantly, I look forward to go to work everyday now. REALLY.

Myth: Obsessing your mind with something you want or desire makes you really focused.
Fact: Obsessing gets you nowhere. It is important to enjoy every moment , for tomorrow you might get what you want /desire and start regretting those precious moments that are in the past now. Stop obsessing and things will fall into place.

Myth: I should behave in such a way that everyone likes me.
Fact: You cannot please EVERYONE and you live only once. If you make a genuine effort and if it still doesn’t work that way…..they don’t deserve it. PERIOD. Let them get over it and I can deal with it.

As life passes by, all my myths are gonna be busted…for good!!!

Positive Developments....

I am not really a dog-lover….as a kid, I was petrified of dogs. I remember we used to visit my mom’s best friend. She loves dogs and has a German shepherd that looks like a wolf. At every occasion we would visit them, aunty would lock up ‘shyama’ inside a room as I would start crying uncontrollably when she starts barking. Even now I remember how I would clamp up the minute we would reach aunty’s house and my heartbeat would start beating faster. Infact, once we had gone to her place and I was wearing a pretty pavadai (long skirt worn by kids in south India) and by chance, before aunty could lock up shyama ( which was heart wrenching for her….dogs are like their own kids for dog lovers, I realize NOW!). ‘Shyama’ in her enthusiasm on seeing a small kid and thinking I have come to play with her….came running to me….I was shit scared that I started running around the house and in the process my pavadai was shredded and torn as ‘shyama’ thought it was a big game. Amma tells me that I cried uncontrollably for a long time and she was more upset about my torn pavadai and shyama looking forlorn and looking sadly at aunty with a ‘what have I done now!’ expression.

Cut to the present,
I was engaged to S and till I visited his place I did not know that my in-laws have not one, two German Shepherds (Kaspar and Cookie)!!!! I remember every time Kaspar and Cookie would bark the minute I got up…..so for the entire day I was glued to the sofa and did not get up even when I wanted to pee. Apparently, S did not enlighten me about the dogs, lest I refuse to marry him in fear (for the dogs!). I was thinking to myself, how the hell am I going to move around the house, forget moving around….live with two dogs?!!! Despite the fact that we lived alone due to proximity to work, we would often visit or live with my in-laws over the weekend and I didn’t have a choice, but get used to it. Slowly and steadily I got used to being around them….and could ignore Kaspar when he came and sniffed around and I would close my eyes tightly when he licked me all over. At that time, I did not understand that was his way of expressing his love….after all, he cant talk?!!! Dumb me!!

By the time we were married, Cookie had to be given away as she did not really get along with Kasper and it was a big strain to take care of two dogs for my in-laws. I got used to Kasper and would still clamp up when I reached the doorstep and would wait for him to literally pounce on me and lick me all over for at least 5 minutes. He liked me so much that he would wait outside the bathroom when I was inside….and my MIL would complain that she is the one who feeds, cleans and takes care of him and I am the one who reaps the benefit!!!

Kasper died a few months ago and I realize that I do love him a lot and miss him. Every time I see a German shepherd, I am fondly reminded of my dear Kasper. I still remember when he would look at me, I could feel him emoting true feelings…like a true person!!! When he died I was alone in Pune with S traveling abroad and could not get over the fact that he is no more. For my in-laws, S and Shashi (S’s sister) he is like a kid and a sibling respectively. S was understandably very upset when he heard about Kasper and was unfortunately abroad at that time. Infact, he has written his first post about Kasper…

It is indeed a huge development from what I felt for dogs as a kid. My parents and aunty especially are so surprised about this development in me…..

Kasper, you are missed by all of us and most importantly, loved by all of us…to the extent that he is called Kasper Venkatraman!!!!

Relatively speaking....

As a school-going kid, I would look at my seniors longingly who had the privilege of wearing 'duppattas' and who could have long, well-manicured painted nails. I could'nt wait to grow up and wear colourful duppattas, paint my nails in different colours.....and wear lipsticks! How can I forget lipstick? I would think how lucky they were.....and I was so miserable that I am still a kid....Infact, when Amma would take me for a wedding, I would rant and rave that she should apply lipstick for me as well and refuse to eat at the wedding, lest the colour wears off!!!

Cut to the present, I postpone doing my nails and among everything else, promise myself that I will do it next weekend, for sure! That too, after I feel embarassed at my chipped nail paint and feel dirty at work!

As for duppattas, I hate to wear them as you have to go on adjusting them all day long....can be a pain when I am on the bike, with hundred things to carry....and to add a duppatta to it? So, I will always stitch stuff like a kurta with a chinese collar, so that I can just wear them with pants....no hassles!!!

Lipstick? The glamour still attracts me! :) ...and funnily, lots of people gift them to me in different colours....

Ok! I am off to do my nails....S is busy with his formula one and I have nothing to do....so I might as well get it done!!

I am a living example for 'appearances are deceptive' coz most people who look at me will think that I am a super confident ( arrogant as well?!) person and can speak my mind easily....well, to a certain extent I do and I am....but I do have my moments....

1. If my maid is doing a bad job(..and am being moderate here!) and i want to sack her? I will think about it a 100 times and rehearse how i would tell her, with S!! I will empathise with her situation and visualise what she will go through when I say this to her on a monday....maybe I should try and see if it works for some more time....REALLY....I do that! BTW, my maid still works for me....and I do the work MYSELF....

2. I find it extremely difficult to ask a friend to return the money they borrowed from me. Again, the rehearsing ritual goes on in my mind, over and over.....I am thinking what my friend will think about me... if I ask him/her MY money! yeah right! well, what to do? we are like this wonly!!

3. I am very generous with compliments with people...coz I know how lovely it feels to recieve compliments from ANYONE! But I will not just think twice, but ten times before I compliment a male colleague....coz I am perennially in danger of sending the wrong signals...who knows how someone interprets your words or actions!

4. The most comical situation is in a lift...if you have noticed most people will look down, close their eyes or look anywhere but at the other occupants in the lift...as for me? I am my giggly self ( I have no clue why I find it funny!) and smile at kids and chat with them, if they are women, definitely start a conversation and make friends....men? I prefer to ignore....by far I might smile and say a hi if I know them already!! ( for the same reasons!!)

5. If i go to a shop and look at clothes, I am shit scared to leave without buying something....No! not that I really liked something and i want to buy it....only coz the owner /attendant/ shop assistant spent so much time showing me the clothes and might be scolding me in his/her mind.....yeah! I am such a sucker!! Fear-stricken, I wont enter a shop if I dont know for sure am gonna pick something.....

I know all my fears are baseless and I simply have to just go ahead and say it or do it....but I can't...I find it DIFFICULT! Does anyone else have such quirky habits or uncertainities??

Life is extremely unpredictable....

My mom called me today to inform me that Hari passed away....I was shell shocked...he is a 23 yr old boy!! He was studying in London, and noone knew about his whereabouts...he had been dead in his room for 2 days!!! I still can't get over it.... his parents are close family friends and a close friend of my dad...and I remember going to their house as a kid....and Hari was this intellectual book-worm who would quietly read loads of books most of the times! I used to go for long walks with aunty, his mom!!! I can't imagine I am referring to him in the past!!

My heart goes out to him and aunty....what about his dreams? what was going through his mind at that point? Life is so unpredictable and so unfair....how will aunty cope with this?? ya ya...time is a good healer and stuff....well, I cant' express my feelings right now...I pray to God that he gives them the strength to bear this loss..and Hari, may your soul rest in peace...take care!

Every new beginning is accompanied by renewed vigor and excitement...I am excited.. :) I have got a job i have always wanted in a great company and feel really happy about it as well. Indeed, when God closes a window, another door opens....and I am confident that good things are in store for me! :) THANK YOU GOD for everything you have blessed me with...I am sure I deserve it!( he he...now you know for sure that its me! ) ;)

There is no looking back now.....