Comfortable Silence...

...I always love the New Year, for me it is reminiscent of hope, excitement and a wee bit anxiety of what is to come? Sometimes, a wee bit too much excitement or anxiety depending on my state of mind! S had to remind me that its just another day, being his practical self, while I expect miracles overnight like a little child...I mull over it and realize that this is who I AM, someone who gets excited over every tiny detail...

I always thought its a good thing to be an open book, you know? Often, even a stranger can just glance at me and know what I am feeling! Over time, I wanted to be mysterious and alluring. But try as much, I end up being like an "open-book exam". I have finally come to terms with the fact that this is ME! I don't want to say "Take it or leave it..." but I would like to say I love the way I am... do you?

There is not as much noise in my head as it used to be...am enjoying the comforting silence...I don't think I have changed radically within the last year, it has been a gradual and positive change, both emotionally and physically.

- Offlate, my opinions and instincts have begun to matter to me. Usually, I would ignore them, thinking I don't have the knowledge or expertise to take an informed decision. NOW, I listen to my heart, even if my mind feels differently and it makes me happy. Finally, that's what matters!

- I have reduced physically, feel more energetic, healthier and fitter. I would like to think I have gained mentally and grown into a mature and happy mind, body and soul.

- I have realized that when you smile more...you attract a lot of happiness to yourself and the people around you! I try to stay away from negative people. I do believe in negative energy and negative vibes.

- I have let go of my inhibitions...I don't think twice about complimenting someone or a complete stranger. Once, while shopping somewhere in India. while I stood in the queue to pay for the shopping, a young girl in college maybe, stood behind me wearing some gorgeous shoes I simply loved! Earlier, I would have just thought to myself that those shoes are awesome! But that day, I smiled at her and said " Your shoes are really cool" and it was so lovely to see genuine happiness on her face and she beamed at me. I realized that I had changed...for good! :)

- I am a blessed soul in many aspects and I am very thankful to God for everything and everyone he has given me. I truly am!

- I am trying really hard to take each day as it comes....i LOVE surprises, but not shocks! So its difficult for me to let go and not worry about the future. But I am consciously trying to enjoy every moment and every day instead of focussing on tomorrow!

Indeed, "Happiness is a state of mind"! Peace, love, joy, happiness and good health to you and yours in 2011! :)

Different shades of Paris...

I am amazed at how almost everyone has a toy-like dog and the dogs are extremely well behaved. I mean how many times have you seen a dog remain silent and just not bark at all !!! Yes, none of these dogs bark and they just remain cute and silent as they are carried around or tag along with their master, sometimes even without a leash!

I am really amused when I see little kids less than 3 years old maybe, play with toy babies...the funny part is these kids are pushed around in their prams by their moms. These kids in turn, have babies that THEY push around in a toy pram...its really cute and funny! :)

I find it strange that when people meet each other on the road or in the Metro, they don't really make conversation. But they meet each other specially in a cafe in the evenings to just have a chat...why not do it when you meet otherwise?

I was pleasantly surprised to taste our very own lassi packaged as 'yogurt icecream' referred to as 'yaout glace' here with some fresh fruits. It is basically creamy lassi with toppings of fruits, tutti frutti or chocolate as you like..its healthy, nutritious and low calorie...its not too sweet either! What a way to package it!! :) You don't really feel guilty about having dessert!

I am curious to know why the beggars on the streets, almost everyone has a pet dog. When they are unable to fend for themselves, they have a pet dog too? Mind you, they treat their pets very well and give them proper dog food everyday, the pedestrians can all see it. A friend told me that the pedestrians give them money for the dogs out of pity, maybe? ( and yes, there ARE beggars in Paris too!). India is not the only country with beggars and elephants!

I miss...

...the pleasure of meeting people...face-to-face conversations...Yup, that is the only thing I miss now that I work from home here. I have always been interested in watching people, how they behave, how they react to something! Of course, in the process, I tend to get affected as well. I can rarely be detached about something; I find it very difficult to hold my tongue! I always need to say something...I miss that! I have become pretty quiet except for snatches of conversations with few friends I have here, who don't speak English too well, only language i can communicate in, at least as of now! Hopefully, the French classes that start soon help me learn the language well and to make friends too.

I have always worked since graduation. So i feel strongly about doing something all the time. Even when I quit my job in Bangalore to move to Pune, I started learning glass paintings and went on to sell a few pieces..within a month! I think its very important to be yourself, do something on your own. ANYTHING, but you MUST do something! Now that I am in Paris, I can't look for opportunities immedietly coz I need the Carte De Sejour ( residence permit) to look for work or to start working. Expats don't get work easily as employers prefer to employ the natives and fair enough, me thinks! So I am freelancing and sourcing writing/editing projects since the Internet started working. I have done some freelance work on and off even before when I had a regular job, that helps me a lot now! I used to write so that I don't lose touch and it has helped and how!

I am also learning how difficult it can be, to run a business ( I mean, to do your own thing!). I have always thought its a dream come true to be your own boss, so to speak! In a short while, I have interacted with really different clients with absolutely different needs. Some of them don't clearly explain or elaborate their requirements upfront. So I work hard on it and finally I get really frustrated when it goes kaput. On the other hand, there are good ones too who know clearly what they want. It takes 'all kinds' to make up this world. So I am learning too; to never give up, to be patient, to listen and not to take myself too seriously.

The best part of working from home is that I get to listen to some awesome music in the background, I have been hooked on to Advaitha ( Click to listen to their music!)and take a break to chat with my friends online or play a game on Facebook! I am at ease, take long leisurely baths, relax while being able to do something constructive. I can even speak to my parents everyday on Skype! ...and ask for a third-person perspective from friends on my writing, if it needs to be reviewed...What would I do without the Internet? I wonder...

The music, interesting conversations, the work that flows in, on and off...am learning to enjoy this phase too! I start French Lessons for 3 hours/3 days next week!!! I am looking forward to it...

Other than the time difference..

Apart from the time difference of about 4.5 hrs between Paris and India ( back home for me!)...I found many other interesting differences....

People are nattily dressed even to the market

Many people have these toy-like dogs that they bring along everywhere. These dogs do not bark or do anything....you can see them even in shopping malls, little balls of fur...really cute!

You can NEVER see anyone carry their babies or toddlers in their arms. They are ALWAYS in a pram and oh, how can i forget? with a nipple stuffed into their mouth.

You can NEVER see bi-lingual boards on the road or shops or for ingredients. Everybody speaks only FRENCH. Oui?

Most fathers spend a lot of time with their kids and seem to genuinely enjoy their time with their children. Its endearing.

Mostly, it looks like people thrive on cheese and chocolates. Even digestive biscuits have a chocolate coating!

The Internet/TV/Phone takes a minimum of just 2 weeks to be installed!! You have to pay a fortune if you want a technician to come home for installing it! Yeah, you heard me right!

Every street corner has a 'coiffeur' ( Hair styling salon) or two and there is a mandatory cafe at every two blocks filled with people enjoying some wine and maybe cigarettes. No, this is not on a weekend, this is on every single day!!

You can see people jogging on the road at any time of the day. Even if its bizarrely cold, you can see people in shorts. I often wonder how they manage to bear the cold? I have even seen people jogging on the road when we were coming back home from dinner, say about 10.30?

Everybody is thin and fit. ( I guess the jogging is the secret!) EVERYBODY!
Incidentally, I have recently discovered the joy of good music and going on long walks. I feel AWESOME! :) I don't have to fear running into someone, coz I don't know anybody! :P

Edited to add more:

There is 'Pomme' ( Pomme refers to apple) in everything...Pomme de pain, Pomme yaourt, Pomme verte savon..like lime is a flavor used extensively in India, Pomme or Green apple is a flavor used in everything from bath foams to yogurt!

S's naturally curly hair has become straight and my straight hair is now poker straight! :D

25 random things about me!

My friend Sudha, has tagged me on Facebook to do this tag. The rules of the tag are:

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. I am never lost for words and make friends very easily.I tend to give the impression that I am close to everyone but in reality I have very few close friends.
2. I am a narcissist who loves to look at herself!
   
3. I love tall, suave and intelligent men.
4. I believe that S is the best thing that ever happened to me. He perfectly complements the 'hyper' me.
   
5. I am a classically trained singer and can sing reasonably well.
6. A highly emotional person, am very expressive about my feelings for everyone.
   
7. WYSWIG ( What you see is what you get).
8. I am an open book; very transparent and easy to read, even to a stranger!
9. Lots of people assume that I am arrogant and over-confident looking at my personality. I would like to think I am confident, definitely not arrogant. So i tend to make an extra effort to appear friendly.
   
10. I envy people who are naturally slim, who don't really need to make an effort to look that way!
    
11. I am very enthusiastic and get really excited about even little things in life and believe that's what makes every day and moment interesting.
12. I strongly believe its important that you love and respect yourself before you expect others to show love/respect for you. So I do LOVE myself :P .
13. Music is a quintessential part of my life and I believe is highly theraupatic.
14. I am a very bad judge of character; I hope to get better over the years.
15. I have understood that I have a blessed life unlike so many other unfortunate people and am thankful for the life i have...Indeed, I am contented.
16. I love the smell of babies; their innocence.
17. I enjoy every phase in my life; be it school or college or now that I am working. I never feel that I want to go back to a phase in the past.
18. You can always find a permanent grin on my face and sometimes, my mouth hurts from all the talking!
    
19. I am a people's person. I love to meet new people and many of my friends come to me for advice. I am everyone's agony aunt! ( I am glad to help in anyway i can!)
20. I am very good with interiors and home decor. I hope to run my own business someday!
21. I don't really worry too much about what others may think if I do or say something. I just say it or do it as long as I am not hurting someone.
22. I love the beaches and can never have enough of it. I love travelling as long as it does not entail hairpin bends and winding roads to the Mountains. ( S, can you read that?)
23. I may forget but I do NOT forgive!
24. I am short-tempered and am very much aware of it. So when I am angry I just keep quiet lest I say something hurting I may regret later.
    
25. I cry very easily; even if I see someone crying...I end up crying without finding out why! I just can't see people sad. So I am good entertainment for people in movies!!
    

Thanks, Sudha! This was indeed interesting and got me thinking. Anyone interested in doing this tag, please take it up. Do let me know when you do it, I would love to read it! :-)

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

S and I had just got back from a pretty long stay in the UK, a long time away from home, our people, family and friends and we were in the midst of setting up our home here in Pune. S was off to work and I was left to do the arduous task of unpacking and arranging all our stuff, since I didn’t have a job to go to, at that point of time. I was feeling very lonely, bored and longed to see a single soul from my family or friends or even someone remotely familiar…so basically I was homesick!

As I was brooding and waiting for S to return all day, I get a call from S informing me that my friend Nikitha’s friend (She lives and works in Bombay) would visit me and pass on a parcel that she wanted to give me. So I tidied myself up to look presentable and decent for the stranger friend who would come home anytime. Within a couple of minutes, the doorbell rang and I greeted the stranger guy ( who happens to be a sweet guy by name sumit). He smiles and says here is the parcel and I see that his hands are empty! Out of nowhere, Nikitha springs up and gives me a big warm hug and you can clearly hear shrieks of joy from the union and I can’t stop grinning. I was overwhelmed with joy to see her, she stayed with me for a while chatting and left for Mumbai by evening. She had come all the way from Mumbai just to give me a surprise!
I had a warm fuzzy feeling all day and was full of smiles when S got back home and I eagerly started relating the surprise to him!! What a wonderful surprise that was, just when I needed it. Indeed, A friend in need is a friend indeed!! Niki is a darling friend of mine, she is like a charming little kid with the most warm smile and a loving personality!

Simple pleasures in life I miss....

..Having home-made esp.amma's thayir sadam(curd rice) with urulakizhangu( potato) curry or vethakuzhambu!

..Being reprimanded for running away with the cordless to speak with my friends and whispering our little secrets in a corner of the room....and at one such time, if appa is there he would say....enga pore? ( where are you going?) ingaye pesu( talk right here in front of me)! ...and I would tell my friend "my dad is here ya! I will talk to you later!".....sneak into the room later and steal the cordless to talk privately!! :)

..lying down on Amma's lap and smelling her saree with its distinct amma-ness and feel the soft material...nothing can compare to that fuzzy and secure feeling.

..Saving throughout the month a sum of Rs.100/- to splurge on miscellaneous junk jewellery in Pondy Bazaar....the anticipation, excitement and thrill does not come with the amount of money that I have now to buy the most expensive clothes! ( comparitively, I mean)

..Getting up early morning to go and play for hours together in Besant Nagar beach! ( I still prefer waking up late, the lazy bum that I am!)

..Reassuring hugs from Amma and Appa that emanate a feeling of security, love and affection. ( I can't receive them whenever I want to, coz I am married now and live away from them!)

..To come back from a long and tiring day at work to hot and come-cooked food. There have been days I have cried in hunger when I get back home, as soon as I got married..

The English language!!

I am very fond of watching the way people behave, their mannerisms, their body language and how can i forget, their language! ....its very interesting and keeps me occupied when I am waiting for someone ( which I hate to!!)....on the road or when I am jus plain bored...as a kid, I had this habit of correcting random people if they make mistakes in english ( not that I was or am perfect in the language, but I am willing to learn if i make mistakes) and friends would scoff that she behaves like she is Shakespeare's sister or something!!!...now, I know better not to correct and my attitude is more of 'oh! whatever...'!!! When some random person sniggers or comments, you will know!!!

Times when people dont listen, they just hear in a conversation. Best example is yours truly. I am someone who talks non-stop and when I talk to friends or anyone for that matter, I have so much to say. In the bargain, I fail to listen to the other person ( which I am not proud of). A friend once told me that even if a cockroach goes by, I will have a story to relate!! Is that good or bad? I dont know....

When people say 'if suppose'? I want to say, but they are both the same!! I am itching to correct them, but I shut up as some sense prevails...

When people say 'oh! you are so childish!!' I am NOT childish, I am child-like....and No! Its not the same. Being childish is to be foolish. While someone who is child-like is someone who has the spontaneity and innocence of a child. To say you are child-like is a compliment, but to say you are childish is to call me a fool! So for people who know me personally, get the cue??

Lots of people say 'I am trying to cope up...'. Since childhood, my mom has told me some infinity times that to say 'cope up..' is wrong english and you can only cope with something...not cope up. So the minute I hear someone say 'cope up', I can visualize my mom's image in the vicinity saying ' that is wrong english'!!

Another image of S conjures up in my mind, when someone says 'lesser than'..According to him, no such term exists...ahem...well...ahem! ( I don't agree with him) He says its either 'less than' or 'lesser'...its NOT 'lesser than'... But it sure reminds me of him. Another classic observation of Mr.S is that apparently, all SOUTH Indians say 'you will look nice....' instead of 'you look nice'....really??? They add a unnecessary 'will' to every sentence...

None of us are experts in the language, but as you learn from your mistakes, you also gain confidence....not just in English anything for that matter in life, am I right? Lots of people who care, correct me when I make grammatical mistakes and I truly appreciate it...honestly I do!

The way my mind works...

Its another Monday and I come to office with my morning blues and realize that I have a late call that night. I discuss with my manager that I skip the call for various reasons and he agrees and asks me to send updates and inform my global counterpart regarding the same....I send a e-mail and I thought that's about it!

In some time, my manager pings me that he wants to talk to me about the e-mail I sent. He was busy right now and would come and talk to me post-lunch. From that point began the intense activity in my mind......what could it be? I did double-check before I sent out that e-mail? Did it sound rude? so I reassure myself that it was not rude by consulting with my colleague-friend.....does my mind rest now?

I go on with my work and continue my daily work routine.....a colleague asks me to proof-read his email and calls me, while my mind goes on 'what did I do wrong? what and why does he want to talk to me?'. My colleague brings me back to earth from my reverie and asks if something is wrong? I smile and nod that everything is fine while my mind is in 'panic' mode....'did'nt I check enough before i sent the mail out?'

My friend pings me for lunch and I diligently carry my lunchbox to the microwave to heat it up....and while I am looking for the sauce dispenser, look for my manager if he is around.....and can't simply concentrate on the lunch conversation while we eat....

Post lunch, we go for a walk and get back hurriedly lest my manager comes to my desk and can't find me? I won't know what the matter is?? I come back and can't stop myself from pinging my manager if I can come to his desk to discuss about the e-mail. He replies that he is in a meeting and he himself will come post-lunch!!! I am thinking, but it IS post-lunch??!! But he means post his lunch!! :)

So the clock ticks loudly in my mind and I check the computer time almost every minute!!! Finally, he does come and puts an end to the suspense!! Its nothing that kept me worried for almost the entire day!!! I heave a huge sigh of relief and laugh at my own stupidity and calm myself down.....by this time, I have already run the conversation in my mind numerous times and have thought of the various possibilities and devise my 'defense mechanism'!!!

Am i paranoid or what? Does any of your minds work this way??!!

Giving life to Azoics!

Today as I rode my bike to the office hurriedly ( yup, am always rushing to work!)....I was wondering how there is a distinct discrimination even when it comes to inanimate objects like the vehicles on road....

The luxury Cars, stylish cars, cars in vogue, natty looking chic cars and all that jazz invite envious looks from onlookers and remind me of pretty young things who can further be categorized into the ultra stylish, fashionable girls and boys, the practical types and some who are a mix of both - stylish on some days and not-so-well-dressed on others....

The autos rickshaws and public buses represent the middle-aged men and women who earn a decent living, not very successful or very aggressive in their outlook. They are in a job with the sole intention of earning a living. They work not because they love their job, but for the sake of doing the right thing.

Just like some autos who would rather sit around and chat with their buddies, if they had a choice, they would rather laze around at home and relax instead of toiling in the workplace. Similar to autodrivers who haggle with their 'savaari' for an extra 10 or 20 bucks, they haggle with their bosses for an increment or promotion based on seniority rather than performance or productivity.

One that stands out in the traffic is the garbage van! Have you noticed how the other vehicles cringe when they are in the vicinity of a garbage van, well, coz it stinks in the entire neighbourhood as they pass by? But can you imagine, in what surrounding we would all live in, if the garbage is not cleared?

The garbage van represents people like the rag pickers, toilet cleaners, maids, labourers and other such workers who are always ignored and generally, taken for granted. Some of them are treated like untouchables akin to the garbage van that is avoided by all vehicles on the road. People make faces on signals when the garbage van is around, while he takes everyone's crap (literally!!).

As a kid, while fighting with other kids or more due to the fact that I didnt know too many bad words , I have used the toilet cleaner as an abusive word. Now, I realize how wrong I was...would I like to use a dirty bathroom at home? Don't I cringe when I see a dirty used toilet at my workplace or in a public utility areas? What a dirty world we would live in, if not for those people?

By the way, I was thinking about all this when I was cleaning the toilet at home yesterday and when I saw the garbage van today as I turned into plush, green and sparkling surroundings that lead to a cleaner office!!!....thanks to you-know-who!!! :)

Is MY happiness OTHER's state of mind?

Why do we all (especially yours truly!) see happiness confined to a few milestones? good job, get married, buy a house, have kids, have another kid, save-enough-to-have-an-independent-life, children well settled, etc. etc...well, I am sure everyone would say 'well, that is the natural course that life takes for everyone!!'. My point is why can't it be different? Why am I answerable or questioned about each milestone at every point of time? Does it matter at all to anybody what really makes me happy? Most importantly, Do I know what really makes me happy?? In pursuit of reaching these milestones, more so due to pressures from peers, parents, neighbours...even strangers, all my attention is on the 'standard milestones set by others' that I forget to enjoy the simple pleasures and joy of life.

I had an epiphany (shruthi's fav. word!) and since then, have changed a lot from my previous self and have learnt to let go of myself. I think we are all conditioned to think that it is most important to think about others and please them than thinking about or caring about yourself. There were times I would feel guilty about being happy with S, away from my parents. Now, I know its silly. At the same time, I also think you want something to happen coz the person you love wants the same things too,more fervently than you do and succumb to it. But isnt that conditional love ( if such a word exists, but you get the drift, right?)

I am judgemental. PERIOD. I think its my basic nature, coz I dont seem to be able to change that about me :). I have judged people who choose to remain single and not marry at all or at couples who decide not to have children for whatever reason and so on. When I think about it, maybe that makes them happy. Who knows? It is important to respect their decision just like how I would like to be respected for mine.

S once told me 'You dont get hurt unless you want to get hurt'. I scoffed. I hate to admit now that it is indeed true. Over time, you learn to filter some people from your life and for your own good, its best to have positive people around you who revel in your happiness and accomplishments and at the same time, help you move on with life. But when you are young and raw, and have no idea of how cynical and cruel words can be, it comes as a shock that shakes you up...

Amma tells me ' Nobody is worth suffering!' Amen to that!!

Its a beautiful day....am enjoying working as well as looking out my window.....its inexplicably calming...Dark clouds, mann vaasanai, pleasant and cool air....life could'nt get any better :). when S gets back home, and we give each other a big bear hug, the smile on our faces.....and to see each other after a long day.....its lovely!! I can't thank god enough for S! I treasure him with all my heart. I don't believe in love at first sight. Love takes its time to grow and become stronger....

I have this annoying habit of thinking of something sad that happened in the past, when am really happy. ..as if i want to spoil my happiness - MYSELF! I don't let go easily. Today, right this moment, I give up that habit! I have always felt contented and blessed with all the lovely people and wonderful life I have....at this moment, I feel contentment.

Nowadays I have noticed that I enjoy my solitude. I don't mean to say I dont like to talk to people or to have people around me. Sometimes, it helps to be with yourself. It helps you clear your head and enjoy the moment....I shy away from making small talk with neighbours or friends when i walk down....I find it tiring to answer routine daily questions.... am I wierd?

Its a beautiful day!!! :) God, I feel like I can see you smiling down at me... and I smile back :) are you charmed? well, GOD, you have definitely charmed me with your blessings and love.