My Super Mom (Amma!)

I feel there is a lot of beauty in calling her "Amma" in my mother tongue rather than calling her "Mummy" or "mom"...hence the revised title!

On my way back home yesterday, I could'nt help feeling emotional as I kept thinking about my teen years. When I became 'sweet 16', my mom did the sweetest thing for me. She went to Hyderabad with her friend before my birthday for some occasion....and came back and gifted, not one or two, but 16 dresses!!!!! She was like, I wanted your 16 to be very special for you! :-) I was so touched by her thoughtful sweet gift!


My mom/dad have always been really loving and thoughtful, despite being strict most of the times. I remember when i was 13 or 14, my mom got transferred to Bangalore, and she had to go due to circumstances. My brother and I, stayed with my dad and he took very good care of us. I would cry everytime she came visiting over weekends and when she had to go back...So my dad surprised me the next morning. I woke up to my mom fondly waking me up lovingly with endearments and calling me her sweet little baby....I was thinking I must be dreaming...Amma is in Bangalore, so how can i hear her voice? Actually, my dad had recorded her voice and she spoke to me like she was right there with me...and every day he would wake me up with that recording...When we got back from school, he was very thoughtful and engaged us in learning the 'Hanuman Chalisa'...my brother and I sang the whole shlokas in some time to my Mom in a few days time and her face lit up with happiness....it was worth the effort. Appa did everything he could so that we did not miss Amma too much.

I remember staying with my Perima ( my mom's elder sister) one weekend and crying to see my mom...she was like 'Come to me, darling! I will hug you!" I was such a mean thing and said 'But your sari does not smell like my mom's! I want amma...'!!! She (my perima) is no more but I always think of her as a person with genuine love and affection for me.I think about it now and can't stop feeling bad about my behavior. But at that point, i could'nt fully understand why Amma had to be away from us. She must have been miserable already staying away from her husband and kids. To top it all, if i cried everytime she left, I am sure she would go back to Bangalore very miserable too...I wonder how she coped with it all and remained cheerful and happy, it would make me insane to be in a situation like that. Amma is a very strong woman.
That kind of selfless love, only comes from a parent, I guess!! :-) I feel so blessed when I think of my awesome parents! I am what I am because of them...( I turned out pretty ok, me thinks!) ;-)

Edited to add: Amma in her stylish avataar when she visited us in Paris in 2010!

www.shopo.in

P.S - I WON the contest! Yay!! 

Have I changed?

...of course I have...we all change over a period of time! Some of us change drastically - I would like to think I have changed for the better...I always observe that I react differently to a situation now, than I did in the past...I don't waste my time or go out of my way to ponder over something that is not within my control anymore , and this is something I have to learnt to let go consciously. Especially, with people or "friends"! Its impossible to please EVERYONE - PERIOD. I have realized that its not absolutely essential that every single individual should like me or vice versa, and agree with my point of view or vice versa. Finally, I understand the phrase " agree to disagree"! :)

My mind is never free - I am always thinking about something or the other...and since I moved to Paris, I realize that I enjoy the silence and the quiet times here a lot more now. Initially, I missed the hustle-bustle back home and missed all the familiar noises. Now, it irritates me when someone talks loudly on the Metro or when a group of people make a lot of noise. While, I have been guilty of all that sometime back... I no longer feel, I need to voice my opinion or views all the time, any longer! I feel that I need to talk or be heard - selectively! Of course, I am still close to the people I love and am very vociferous with them...except I don't feel the same way with everyone...in that aspect, I have indeed changed! :)

As I read through this, I have to admit that I feel I am slowly removing all the clutter in my mind - slowly but steadily and its definitely a good change! Its been very busy since the beginning of this year - and I have not written much on the blog this year...here's to making a start with something...

Life as I knew it...

We all have a love-hate relationship with the rest of the world, don't we? When I was much younger, single and basically " a frog in the well", life was pretty simple! :) I just needed to get certain things done, and I thought that's about it - I am "there"!


As I began to explore, my circle of friends got bigger and I "broadened my horizons", so to speak, that feeling of achievement or contentment seems like a mirage! Now, I yearn for those simple days when it all seemed so much easier! :) Believe you me, I am not a cynic in any sense, but I just feel that "innocence" abandoned me somewhere along the way!

Most people who know me, may not believe this - but I am kind of skeptical about everything now - people, things, places, hell - even a friendly smile! But the thing is, by god's grace, except for a few not-so-good (at all!) events and fewer people - I am blessed and I am totally aware of it and openly acknowledge it! A good friend of mine was upset about something and when I tried to console her, she said " Oh, its easy for you to say - coz everything is perfect for you". I didn't say anything. The fact of the matter is nobody's life is perfect though it appears so! :) My life's good, but definitely not perfect - ask S or my amma - they will scream loudly that its NOT! coz they get to hear all my crap and console ME! How lucky are they? :P

I used to care a lot about other's opinions and have this innate need for everyone to like me. I am on edge if someone dislikes me. Over time, I guess I have changed...I don't bother anymore! Its just me, once I make up my mind - that's it! I have always been a confident person since childhood and I do know that there is a thin line between confidence and arrogance! The way I look at it now, it all depends on you ....how you want to see me - my confident self or my arrogant self? If you still feel its arrogance - too bad! If you want to be negative about everything, including me - well, what can I say? You are entitled to your opinion and so am I! I have decided to live a life true to myself, not what is expected of me. capishe?

I cannot say this enough - always be positive, things change and for good! As a matter of fact, some not-so-good things happened in my life, that led to some great things! :) That should mean SOMETHING, right? Keep the faith! PERIOD.

Thinking aloud...

When I created this blog, I did'nt really think or intend for a lot of people to read it, just thought of it as an online journal and hence the inane title and screen-name...I did'nt give it too much thought. Interestingly, friends who read my blog nowadays seem to refer to me as 'prettywoman' and it brings a smile on my face! :)

Some time back, I saw an interview of the gorgeous Actress Goldie Hawn, she has a certain child-like enthusiasm in her that is adorable. She said that when her mother died....80% in her did too....She said " I thought to myself - who would I want to make proud now? ". That is EXACTLY how I feel about my parents - both Amma and Appa. Fortunately, my parents are here with me and by God's grace and blessings, I hope they will be with me for a long time to come....But I think of them every single day in every little thing I do...and rush to call Amma to give her all the little tiny details of my life with as much description as possible.

I think I am still their 'little girl' - I know that's how it is from every parent's eyes! In my case, I'd rather remain that and not grow up! I still revel in their pride and feel deliriously happy when I make them proud, especially when they tell me so often that I do! :) Noone else's opinion matters as much!

Off late, I have heard of so many young people who have died suddenly, 21, 23 and 30 years old - an accident, a sudden illness and I can't stop thinking about how unfulfilled souls they would be...their unrealised dreams, love, places they have never been to, unfulfilled desires...I find it difficult to explain the anguish I feel for them...often, people console you that they are in a better place...but I fervently wish God had given them more time!

One of them was a friend who would talk to me very often about her personal life and she also told me that she would have noone to talk to, as I was relocating to a different city. We tried to remain in touch through the distance and she had been through a difficult relationship, divorced and was really looking forward to love, a new life...new beginnings....it haunts me that she did'nt live long enough to enjoy the good things in life...she did not live life fully...I wonder what went through her mind...

Once, I read on someone's wall on facebook that " Never tell your problems to anyone ...20% don't really care and the other 80% are really glad you have them". I personally think that its a very cynical way of looking at it and fact remains that nobody can really solve your problems. I don't want to be cynical or bitter, I would like to believe that there is goodness in everyone. If the problems are within your control, try to solve them and if they are out of your control, I normally pray to God. That's all I can do and I strongly believe he knows what is best for us...have to admit that its difficult to remain optimistic and cheerful ALL the time...I do have my days! :) But I jump back to action pretty soon...I don't stay sad for too long, simply because it takes little things to make me happy :) and Of course, I have a fantastic support system. Amma's positive words and vibrant nature always makes me feel much better and I feel hopeful.

Many of my friends feel comfortable enough with me to share their very personal things or problems and I am glad that I can be someone they can trust...for a long time, I would always ruminate and try to think of a solution to their problem...then I realized that when I go talk to S or Amma about something that troublles me, do I expect a solution? I don't , I just want to vent...that's all. So I got my answer. I am very well aware that we all have to fight our individual battles but its easier when you have someone who is a good moral support and is generally optimistic about everything...the positive energy is infectious and renews hope in you.

A friend in college once told me that she feels that I am like water in a jug! Apparently, I adapt myself to my surroundings and people as water does to the jug or any container that holds it! Being a piscean, I do love water - be it the beach or tears! Both S and my brother make fun of me...especially if we are watching an emotional scene or a sad movie...coz I am always in tears!!

Last but not the least thought in my mind...is that if someone looks me up and down on the street or when I am out...the first thing that crosses my mind is " Damn! Are my pants unzipped?" and I check! :D

What are YOU thinking about?

Why do we want it all?

I am all for woman empowerment, rather equalit of the sexes. I am not one of those 'women' who thinks that I am superior to men at all. I would just like to be considered an equal in all respects irrespective of my gender which is often the case in point. But off late, I feel women are inflicting torture upon themselves in wanting to be a 'superwoman' who not only cooks, cleans, personally takes care of her child's needs but also has a flourishing career and a fantastic figure to boast of! The best part of this is that nobody forces her to excel at everything, its a self-inflicted expectation.

Our mothers and grandmothers were so much healthier, happier and most importantly, more relaxed. We are always working hard to prove a point to everyone else (that includes me!) and in the process often choose to ignore our own voices or desires. We never seem to think about what we really want or go after it with enough conviction.Sometime back, I made a conscious decision to not get bogged down by what others think of me. It was not an instant change, but gradually I learnt to take everything with a pinch of salt - both compliments and negativity. I must say it has immensely lightened and enlightened my mind. One step at a time.

Now, my personal objective is to be positive about anything and everything. Surround yourself with happy thoughts and positive people and automatically you will attract all good things in life. I try not to say anything negative or feel negative about anyone or anything which is pretty difficult considering I am human! :) But I am trying... I have a very bad quality, I am very judgemental and judge people very quickly. That is also something I must 'undo'...for example, I used to hate people who smoke, I always thought that having such a nasty habit reflects on their character too. Now, I look at it as a bad habit they must get rid of. PERIOD. It does not make them a bad person. Of course, my judgemental self looks at smoking as a complete lack of self control. I strongly believe that nothing should have control over your senses - be it smoking or any habit! Period. Its all in your mind. Anyway, I digress...

Earlier, I would have pestered the smoking friend to quit or explained how toxic it is and how it affects your system and so on and so forth. Now, I don't say anything unless I am close or comfortable enough to take that liberty! S/he is well aware of how smoking affects them and is making an informed decision when they decided to smoke. Certain things in life are learnt only the hard way round and it applies to me as well. I have had to unlearn a lot of things only through experience, I didn't accept it when it was good advice from my folks! :) Well, at least its not too late! ( No, I don't smoke, am referring to different things!) :)

I agree life is not easy. At the same time, life is beautiful depending on how you want to look at it and what you consciously decide to focus on! Do you know just about ANYONE whose life is perfect or someone who has no problems at all? I want to be a good person, who is happy and cheerful and I would like to spread happiness and cheer in whatever way I can! These are things I have control over. You will never understand how you will yearn for something when its taken away from you...so savour every moment, every day and all the love you get! Be loving and smile as much as you can! I AM! :)

Don't burst my bubble!

I have always wondered how some thing new in your life or when you embark on a new journey in life - it feels as if everybody or the rest of your world validates your decision with their contributions. For example, S and I were engaged for about a year before we got married. During this time, I would notice that his name would appear everywhere - on T.V., billboards, newspaper or I would meet someone with his name!! I always thought that its a sign and a good sign too. While S likes to think that you are more aware of it and hence take notice, I like to think that its providence! It is meant to be...

It amazes me that when I discuss any travel plans with S or I am looking for something to buy for someone, there is an article in the paper or a program on T.V. or someone forwards a link at the exact same time or I attend an interview in a particular company and everybody seems to refer to the same company in different contexts and conversations. I can't believe that all events are mere coincidences! How else do you explain the various occurences in your life? I prefer to remember only the good ones. In fact, except for my first job ( which also just happened!), every time we moved to a different place, I got a job thanks to a new friend I made somewhere( both in Pune and Paris)...and the best part is that they took an active role in helping me find a job when we were not really close friends. We became close friends later. I like to believe that they came into my life for a reason; to fulfill a desire! God has his ways of fulfilling your desires, you need to identify them! Of course, its a fact that I am blessed with such people who think of me for a job or anything for that matter.( Also, god's blessing, I think!). It works the other way too, you get introduced to someone to fulfill a purpose in their life...

I am always intrigued and totally believe in destiny. If it is meant to be, be it a relationship or career or anything signficant in your life, it WILL happen when HE thinks it is the right time! I believe only in happy endings and good things everywhere, i choose to ignore the bad ones or thoughts that disturb me. I love movies with any kind of magic in it and I don't care if it makes me very unrealistic! I don't want to burst my happy bubble. :)

Its my way of protecting myself. what's yours?

Commute on the Metro...

...It takes a little more than half-hour to reach place of work....and its an experience in itself every single day!

Initially, I found it really wierd that people ( especially Paris) are really morose, hardly ever smile and are generally grumpy.Now, I guess I have got used to it and find different ways to amuse myself, like looking at interesting shoes the women wear, hairstyles, fashionable (sometimes look ridiculous to me!) earrings, piercings....I can watch people like forever and not get bored. Of course, on most days good music and books give me company on the train. Anyway, one such day on the Metro filled with morose people, there was this beautiful baby with the most beautiful blue-grey eyes, laughing and gurgling away....the people in the train are so quiet and self-absorbed that her gurgles could be heard clearly.I could see a tiny smile creep in....I got down with a smile!

In the Concorde, Opera and few other Metro stations, IKEA has come up with an innovative idea! In front of all big posters of IKEA, there are colorful couches installed and people just plop down in comfort, to the extent that they even miss the trains deliberately. I am tempted too but am always rushing to work at the last minute, so I can't stop like that. The couches bring a smile on my face too!

( Image courtesy: http://adoholik.com)

A few days back, a blind person entered the train with this beautiful furry dog (guide-dog) just like Kaspar! The way he sat down with such an air of majesty and looked at me with his gorgeous eyes, my eyes welled up in tears. I surprised myself coz I grew up with a morbid fear of dogs and Kaspar has changed my attitude towards dogs. I look at them with the same affection with which I look at babies. Cats still creep me out and I miss Kaspar big time! I never thought I would feel this way...

Trente - 12 March 2010!

MY BIRTHDAY IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME. I imagine that I am royalty on that day and feel extremely special and get all excited. This year, I am all excited but the enthusiasm is a tad less. According to my own stupid definition "Anyone who is 30 or in the 30's is officially uncle/aunty". I didn't think too much about the fact that I would get older and 'qualify' in a couple of years or so! So if you are reasonably smart, you will understand that I'm 30 this year! Officially, I am no longer amongst the '20-something's. Sigh!

Normally, I don't bother a lot about how old I am or get upset if someone wants to know how old I am! ( Wierd that I have answered that question numerous times, here in Paris!). But this year, I think I am a little sad that I have turned 30! Bloody hell, I often wonder how my mom would feel, she has a 30-year old daughter!!! Enough of the ranting now, I guess. For sure, my energy, enthusiasm or zest for life will not change one bit! I am still going to have a lot of fun, right? Right!

So if I think about what has changed, I would like to think they are mostly good changes; For example, I think I have a better dress sense and a general idea of what suits me better! On a different note, when S and I were looking at pictures on the laptop; he commented "Look, how many different hair styles you have had over the years? " That sent a silent thrill through me, I felt wild! :D

I have colored my hair twice and got another piercing in my ear, something that I'd wanted to do for many years but couldn't because my parents strictly refused. I know it probably sounds silly to you but for me it was kind of liberating to experiment with my looks without having to worry about what my parents will say or feel. In fact, even now, if I'm going home, I make sure not to color or cut my hair! Silly me!

I have an excessive amount of clothes/bags/shoes/jewellery (more than I like to admit!) ...and this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you to hear that! That's it - you will never ever hear me say that again!! :D. Sometimes, I can't even remember when I bought something and I feel terrible for being so greedy, but that thought vanishes within seconds of walking across any shopping area or even in the vicinity of where I can lay my eyes on something, even from a distance!!

I have travelled to so many beautiful countries and am hoping the journey continues, with my dear S, of course! I have a proper fitness routine and am much fitter and stronger than I used to be.Most importantly, I may be older but am definitely more mature and wiser! I would like to think I have toned down my emotional side a little bit. I don't believe in altering my entire personality, for sure! I am not there yet, but I think I am a better person than I used to be...I have an awesome partner, family and a close group of friends who are much loved and love me more!

I don't believe in going back in time like a lot of people often want to or often say 'those were the days...golden days' and all that! I enjoy every phase and I am very happy where I am. I strongly believe it is is important to enjoy every phase as-is! So if I am 30 now, enjoy being 30 to the fullest replete with all the excitement and vigor! To a large extent, I am very happy where I am. I did'nt even dream of the life I live now. I have a wonderful life and I earnestly thank God for it. Of course, like everyone else, I have a few regrets but they are events that I had no control over.

In retrospect, I think God meant for it to happen for my own good coz he made sure I got here. I believe in him and have faith in him. I am sure he will make my wish come true when its the right time. He knows what is best for me. (sounds cryptic, i know - but this is more of a self-note!)

Last year, I spent my birthday in Paris (wooooohoooo!) AND the entire evening at the Eiffel Tower! Tres Tres romantique! This year, S has rented an awesome houseboat ( check the awesome place here - http://www.luckypiper.com/eng/indexned.htm) for us and we are spending the entire weekend after in Amsterdam! It was supposed to be a surprise for me, except now that I have started working, he had to tell me so that I could inform people at work!! I hope Amsterdam makes me forget I am 30! I am sorry I can't stop whining! I will definitely post pictures of the magical Amsterdam here and here!

P.S - Turning 30 is not so bad at all!!! Coz I got DIAMONDS!!!! My darling S sure knows how to cheer me up ;-)

Emotional Makeover in Progress - Part II?

Further to this , I would like to think I am evolving as a person. I have begun to stop making spot-judgements about people. I have learnt over time that they are not like what they seem to be. If I met someone and assumed that they were rude and arrogant coz they did'nt smile much or talk much; I have always been proved wrong. They have become good friends who helped me out with kindness and smiled a lot more indeed; except they needed to know I can be trusted or warm up to me. I guess it took me some time to understand that people are cautious and take their time to know you or trust you completely. Unlike me - I trust every single person very quickly and Ouch! My blind trust has hurt me so many times that I can't even count. Lesson learnt. Be cautious and take your time to trust anyone. Do not make spot-judgements. PERIOD.

I have also learnt another important lesson. It takes a lot of dignity to remain silent and though it may seem ludicrous to be silent at that point, believe you me, there is indeed dignity in silence. As they say " Barking dogs seldom bite". For someone like me, who thinks its very important to express or say what you feel and to remain silent is blasphemy??!! BUT, sometimes, its better to remain silent than waste your time, effort and feelings retaliating! Tough - but its got to be done! Life's beautiful but people are'nt easy, you know? I don't mean to sound sexist or anything and I say this purely from personal experience that its easier to talk to men. It's not so stressful and you don't always have to be extra careful about what you say and how it can be interpreted. I do have a few awesome girlfriends; except it took me a few wrong people ( read friends) to get to them! You have to meet a few wrong men before you can appreciate "the right one" is true of friendships too!

Someone once told me that the best way to deal with any conflict within you or to control anger or disappointment is to look at yourself as a spectator and simply experience and accept any emotion you feel; be it anger, disappointment, joy or happiness. I remember flashing my trademark 'what-else-can-i-do smile and thinking to myself "Yeah right! That's easier said than done!"

In retrospect, as I type this post, I realize that's what I am doing. I am analyzing the changes in me over a period of time as if i would analyse a third person! It is also about acceptance and adjustments. I guess I am learning to be "street-smart"!

P.S - Do hop on to my photoblog, which is something my brother and I are working on jointly! Something we can both connect....your feedback is very much appreciated!

True to the title, random updates!

1. The most important update is that I have recently taken up a job and its a really interesting one at that. I have a strong feeling that I am going to get a lot of exposure as well as learn a lot! Of course, I am also very glad that its part-time coz I can continue to do the things I like to do and travel too!

2. I have begun to actually like my exercising routine. I try to make it interesting coz I alternate between yoga, body specifics, Jane Fonda's aerobics, Pilates and Bollywood fitness dancing ( yes, you read it right!)...I like the fact that I can just jump around without feeling conscious at home, with abandon! Its liberating! :-) I have different DVDs of all these and I work out at home everyday except weekends. Of course, the biggest motivation are the results - I can fit into clothes I hoped I could fit into someday!

3. I was watching Rajiv Gandhi's interview with Simi Garewal on Youtube and it made me really sad. Tears sprung in my eyes. I deeply and fervently wish he was alive and more than anything else, his family had got the opportunity to spend more time with him. What a charismatic, handsome and strong personality! He is THE man for me, who was a proud Indian!

4. I have begun to maintain a calender and schedule like my English friends here and I have to admit, if not for anything else, it makes me feel really important and it also made me realize that we have slowly begun to have a social life outside of just 'us'. :-)

5. I am loving the 'calm' within me and the happy thoughts I have! I am proud of myself coz I don't brood about the past anymore or think of anything that makes me feel low. Little things remind me that there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel; like the plants I had given up on have suddenly started sprouting up now or even the 'daily horoscope' seem to match with the current updates in life. It may be a co-incidence too; but I take it as a sign!

6. I have started to learn to knit and its really exciting to create something all by yourself!

7. I am also learning Photoshop on the web and am contemplating starting a photo-blog ( what do you think?). I love photography and am a self-proclaimed photo-maniac. I love looking at photos; even of people I don't even know - they are such a great way to remember good times, smiles, friends, travels, happiness, beauty, nostalgia,memories.....enough said!

The most romantic song!

I think this is one of the most romantic songs ever made; their expressions say it all! I simply love this song, the video as well.



I don't have much to say today and sometimes, I believe you don't always have to say something, you know?!

I like the comfortable silence. Do you?

One thing at a time!

I suddenly realized that I am pretty hard on myself. Be it health, home, love,friends or a career, I want it all to happen all at once! Of course, like everyone else, I want to excel in everything....but I guess I also need to understand that everything takes time. Yes, it needs concentrated efforts but it takes time.

So I am just taking a deep breath, long deep breaths slowly and it dawns on me that all that I desired is slowly happening. I have been so busy concentrating on the things I want that I did not notice that it did happen! In fact, I also realized that I am always doing something for people to approve or validate all the time, that I don't enjoy the experience myself. I just move on from one thing to another without living it. I recently read somewhere that

"A purpose is having a clear sense of what God has called you to be..Your purpose is not defined by what others think about you."

Most importantly, empower yourself by having good friends who encourage you, cheer you on and with whom a phone conversation can be an instant 'pick me up'! Of course, its very important that you are that good friend too! It has made a huge difference to my personality, having good friends, I mean. I (hope) I have learnt to select my friends carefully and in a lot of ways, I feel I am developing some good qualities from them; they help me become a better person. I am thankful to God for all the wonderful people he brings into my life. I strongly believe that every person you meet in life, comes into your life for a reason - to teach you lessons, to love, to inspire, to share, even to teach you 'how-not-to-be'! Savour these experiences, they go deeper than you think...learn to be a better and confident person! :-) That's what I am doing...

Face your fear!

When I hear this often on T.V or in books or from someone, I always feel that they sort of bully you into doing something you are scared of. But if you are afraid of something and avoid it, unfortunately it does not go away, you know? So what do you do? FACE IT! I know its easier said than done. But if you think about it, its all in the mind like many other things in life. I realize you just need to deal with it. For all you know, it may not be so bad and you could be worrying about it unnecessarily. Its common sense, isn't it?

Where is all this enlightenment coming from? As part of a training program at work, I participated in a 'Personality Development' workshop and the gentleman who trained us mentioned that the first step towards doing anything is to write it down. So this is my first step towards facing my fear! Voila! :-).

I worry incessantly and I hate that about me. I was not always like this, but recently I worry too much and fear unnecessarily. I want to let go of fear. I will let go fear! I can let go fear! I am going to keep telling myself that and one day....whoooshh...its gone!

I will let go of my fear. NOW. TODAY. PERIOD.

I wake up with a smile!

As I lay safely cocooned, with dreams in my eyes...
Feeling protected and full of warmth
In the mystic labyrinth of reality and fantasy
My future looks bright and beautiful....
streaks of hope streams in through the sunlight.

I wake up with a smile that resonates with glee
I muse ponder and ruminate
reflecting on what may happen or what can happen...
transforming into what will happen with fortitude
what brings about the change, you wonder?
I wake up to reality with a thud; not struck by a jolting lightning
I wake up to faith, love and strength of mind...
I wake up with a smile on my face...thinking life is beautiful!

Spirituality and I.

As I do yoga or Pilates I listen to this among many other powerful verses, it fills me with an energy or calms me when I am feeling low in a way words can't explain. You have to feel it. The entire home reverberates with a positive energy. I have embraced GOD through Music and it has brought a balance to my life and given me mental strength. I don't believe there is a specific way to reach GOD. If it works for you, its good enough. Noone needs to approve it. You know it and that's all matters.

On an aside, for a long time, I would pray to GOD in different languages thinking if I am in North India, for example or if I go to a Church, I would pray in Hindi or in English respectively :-). I know, silly me!

I am lucky in 'Love'!

....absolutely I am!! There is so much love around me, in me, for me, with me and it does not overwhelm me. Don't we all crave for love in some form or the other? Often, the highlight of my day is when I get a bear hug from S or if I am with my parents; I plonk myself on my dad's lap or lie down in my mom's lap or kiss my brother. Everything seems alright when a friend gives a reassuring hug, for sure!

I am blessed with so many people who make me feel so loved and cared for! I am very expressive about how I feel; be it verbally or physically through hugs and kisses :). Its such a warm fuzzy feeling to be hugged or kissed, is'nt it? ( I don't mean with any sexual inundations here!). When I first came to Paris and as we all know, the French have their own style of greeting each other. They usually hug and kiss each other on both cheeks! ( Initially, I found it really wierd to kiss acquaintances and their husbands!)...but I am not sure if it has grown on me. But I really feel the gesture is genuine and it is always nice to be hugged for no reason, sometimes! :-)

I am not one of those 'balanced' individuals who keep their emotions in check and do not react extremely to any good or bad news. I am impulsive, spontaneous and every emotion shows; and frankly, I like the way I am...most of the times! :-) I don't want to be someone who regrets later in life, that I did'nt show the people I love how much I care and love them!

So go ahead and make someone's day; give someone a bear hug or if you are not a 'hugger', its easy to smile? :-) Lots of hugs coming your way, virtually!

Not so opinionated anymore!

...which is such a big deal for me! Coz I have an opinion about EVERYTHING and I have to say it! Things have changed, I have changed very consciously...I don't express myself too much or give my opinion openly now. Its such a relief coz I can avoid so many unnecessary conversations and it saves all the effort you need to make! Also, in any situation or argument, the people involved always think they are right which includes me. So from the beginning, there is no point to an argument or a point of view. You are competing with each other to convince who is right, anyway? So does your opinion matter unless asked for? Nope. Nada. Zilch.

So I find that if you keep quiet you can focus your efforts /thoughts/ mind on so many other positive things or do things/interact for/with people who really matter. You don't always need to have the last word, you know? Time and again, I have mentioned how difficult it is for me to stay quiet and not talk all the time. Now I am starting to really enjoy the calm self and wonder why I did'nt do it earlier? I guess, you learn and unlearn a lot of things over time, experiences and grow mature? I am extremely emotional and temperamental. I often react quickly to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING! THAT has changed...not radically, but I have begun to understand that some people and some things never change and there is no point reacting to them. There is no point diginifying it with an answer or reaction. You give them a chance, but if it does not work out, there is no point fretting...you simply move on....Just don't look back. My family and well meaning friends have already told me this a number of times, but I guess I had to feel it myself for me to move on.

I am not hurt or upset anymore, I truly believe that some people do not deserve my attention or reaction anymore! PERIOD.

On a different note, I have started doing Yoga for about an hour everyday, with a friend. We practice along with a CD and I am happy with my flexibility. The pranayama, meditation and the Aasanas have already made so much difference in me. I have always believed in Yoga and so long, I lacked discipline and the time with a full-time job. Now that I work from home and I have company, it is so wonderful to resume and I am happy with the results. My friend is as motivated and we are planning to start Pilates next month! I must have the willpower and discipline to continue come what may! You don't understand the importance of health until you lose it! :-)

After the holiday, I have learnt...

(A glimpse of the beautiful Schladming, Austria)

...to love James Patterson books, and renewed my love for reading!

...you don't ALWAYS need a lot of people around you to feel happy and relaxed! ...

...Nature is beautiful and can be extremely calming and theraupatic ( and tiring, to actually get to lovely places!!)

...that there is less noise in my mind!

...I have been a 'frog in a well' for such a long time in so many ways!

...Life is too wonderful to be spent fretting and worrying!!

...Nothing matches the comfort of good walking shoes, however fugly they are!

... Most importantly, I can condition my mind ( for the better), if I put my mind to it, in a snap!

Limited time with the world!

During the time I was away with no internet, I do admit that it was frustrating not to work or check my e-mails/update myself with my friend's lives and such like. But I also realized that my mind was not stuffed with too much information ( sometimes unnecessary?) and I could get so many things done? I think I spend way too much time on the internet and in certain ways, it affects my mind...the constant interactions with people sometimes makes me think too much.

Joining the library here has given me the joy of reading again and I am starting to relive the joy of reading books and I simply love it. So I have decided to limit my time on the internet which will just be to check e-mails, do my work and switch off to read books and do other things. Of course, I will update the blog as and when I have something interesting to chronicle and share.

Till then, au revoir! Work beckons...

Friendship and Happiness!

I have found happiness in unexpected times...friendship from unexpected quarters!..When I didn't expect to feel happy or for that matter, didn't think someone would reach out to me and that someone would definitely not be the one I thought it would be...so it comes as a pleasant surprise when it is unexpected and I began to re-evaluate my choices in life, choice of 'friends' and misplaced trust, maybe?! I can never understand the enigma that people can be...and I say it with no malice, it is more of a wondering, if I will ever figure it out or maybe that's how its meant to be. You are not supposed to figure it out, you know?!

I have always believed you have to love yourself first for others to love you...similarly, you first need to be happy yourself to make others happy. Can you imagine trying to make someone laugh while you are crying or sad? Maybe, you can smile imagining it! When did wanting to find happiness and be cheerful and upbeat become a selfish act? Why do we all expect approval from others all the time? In fact, if you have observed, there is always a need in all of us to do something ALL the time! You have to get somewhere. PERIOD. Even when you are on a holiday, you have a to-do list which is all great! But in the process, you forget to enjoy the experience. We have all heard of the phrase 'The journey to the destination is as important as reaching the destination'...but somewhere along the line we did'nt understand the meaning or may be fail to comprehend the meaning of life itself.

You are weak and vulnerable if you cry. You are dull and boring if you don't seek thrills. You are a wuss if you are emotional. Who makes up these things? When did you become an authority? Is there a point to blindly follow what others say? In the fear of being branded something, people hide their true emotions, they never experience it and I am no exception! I am generally a very happy person; you will always find me smiling and cheerful. BUT, I am human, and I have my low moments too and I feel sad too. People really close to me get to see this side, mostly Amma, S and a few close friends.

Obviously, they want me to focus on the good things I have or am blessed with and not to dwell on the demotivating aspects. While I would like to think I am self-motivated and optimistic, I hate it when I actually pity myself. I REALLY do…I feel like I have failed myself when I cry. But I have no qualms in admitting that when I cry it out, I really do feel better. It could be psychological? But hey, if it helps, it’s ok, right? Right!

Honestly, I find it very artificial when I meet people who are ALWAYS upbeat and cheerful anytime of the day. I think its humanly impossible or it could be a case of sour grapes, maybe? If i think about it now, maybe such people camouflage their negative feelings or frustrations well. How I wish they were open about it? People like me would not feel so guilty about feelings sad. Coz it makes me feel I am a weak person and that I need to be strong all the time.

I would like to believe I have evolved as a person coz I am able to acknowledge or identify the not-so-pleasant aspects of me. Most of the times, I only begin the self-improvement process, it does not move beyond a point, like i have reached a plateau or something!