Have I changed?

...of course I have...we all change over a period of time! Some of us change drastically - I would like to think I have changed for the better...I always observe that I react differently to a situation now, than I did in the past...I don't waste my time or go out of my way to ponder over something that is not within my control anymore , and this is something I have to learnt to let go consciously. Especially, with people or "friends"! Its impossible to please EVERYONE - PERIOD. I have realized that its not absolutely essential that every single individual should like me or vice versa, and agree with my point of view or vice versa. Finally, I understand the phrase " agree to disagree"! :)

My mind is never free - I am always thinking about something or the other...and since I moved to Paris, I realize that I enjoy the silence and the quiet times here a lot more now. Initially, I missed the hustle-bustle back home and missed all the familiar noises. Now, it irritates me when someone talks loudly on the Metro or when a group of people make a lot of noise. While, I have been guilty of all that sometime back... I no longer feel, I need to voice my opinion or views all the time, any longer! I feel that I need to talk or be heard - selectively! Of course, I am still close to the people I love and am very vociferous with them...except I don't feel the same way with everyone...in that aspect, I have indeed changed! :)

As I read through this, I have to admit that I feel I am slowly removing all the clutter in my mind - slowly but steadily and its definitely a good change! Its been very busy since the beginning of this year - and I have not written much on the blog this year...here's to making a start with something...

Attempt at fiction - 2!

After this, here's my second one...let me know what you think?

Thoughts go on a Relay Race!

Bhairavi, is fierce and strong as her name suggests - her personality had an air of regality and her confidence was always mistaken for arrogance by strangers! She made heads turn wherever she went and everyone felt she had it all, to the point of envy...

Today, she was feeling depressed and low and really needed a push, she thought to herself! She smiled to herself, as she drove to work. She was recalling her dream earlier this morning...in her dream, she was having a splendid view of the sea from the top of a hill when two giant birds came along, and swooped down to carry her along with them...and just as she was enjoying the ride, she saw lovely colors everywhere as she looked down...the lush greens, the deep blues and among all the landscape little white dots of buildings everywhere...she saw a distinct red dot of a bindi. The fierce red light brought her back to reality and she screeched just in time to stop at the signal!

 The red dot or bindi was such a hot topic or conversation starters with her Non-Indian colleagues. On her trips abroad or when the westerners visited India, they would often ask a lot of questions about India and Indian customs. The ever-popular question was about the significance of bindi. At first, Bhairavi explained that its a sign of being married but later did a bit of research, and googled, isn’t that what everyone does these days? She found that there was much more to it than just being a symbol of her relationship status, it had a much deeper meaning like many other Hindu customs!

It is believed that the area between the eyebrows, where the bindi is placed, is said to be the 'departure' area for kundalini energy and the bindi helps to retain energy and increase concentration. Her mother explained that it is also a way of warding off bad luck. With her new-found wisdom, Bhairavi felt that it actually made sense to wear a bindi with pride!

Talking of pride, hasn't it gained undue importance recently, especially in a totally misguided sense? Most people she knew seemed to revel in their material accomplishments which was good as long as they didn't gloat and compare with friends and peers. Bhairavi was beyond such pettiness but a victim herself - in a different sense. She did not share her misgivings or disappointments even with people who were close to her. Pride stopped her. She liked to pretend she lived a perfect life!

Perfection! Alas, can it be defined? To seek and attain perfection in anything and everything is like an act of finality. Bhairavi strongly believed that being perfect or perfection is a relative term and it was an illusion, yet akin to hope at the end of the tunnel! Maya…

Maya was her best friend who brought out the best in Bhairavi. She was everything Bhairavi strived to be; compassionate, spontaneous, free-spirited and most importantly, non-judgemental! Bhairavi felt free in the company of her friend, who loved her unconditionally without making any demands of her; Maya made Bhairavi feel pure and sort of ethereal like babies…

Have you ever smelt baby skin? It is reminiscent of purity, innocence and absolute joy; everything that you want to believe exists in this wonderful life…Bhairavi felt invigorated in the presence of babies. It gave her a feeling of utopia as she raced ahead in the car, zooming ahead towards a new world after meandering through her thoughts, what a journey!

Don’t we all know that the journey is more important than the destination? Bhairavi realized it today…

Life as I knew it...

We all have a love-hate relationship with the rest of the world, don't we? When I was much younger, single and basically " a frog in the well", life was pretty simple! :) I just needed to get certain things done, and I thought that's about it - I am "there"!


As I began to explore, my circle of friends got bigger and I "broadened my horizons", so to speak, that feeling of achievement or contentment seems like a mirage! Now, I yearn for those simple days when it all seemed so much easier! :) Believe you me, I am not a cynic in any sense, but I just feel that "innocence" abandoned me somewhere along the way!

Most people who know me, may not believe this - but I am kind of skeptical about everything now - people, things, places, hell - even a friendly smile! But the thing is, by god's grace, except for a few not-so-good (at all!) events and fewer people - I am blessed and I am totally aware of it and openly acknowledge it! A good friend of mine was upset about something and when I tried to console her, she said " Oh, its easy for you to say - coz everything is perfect for you". I didn't say anything. The fact of the matter is nobody's life is perfect though it appears so! :) My life's good, but definitely not perfect - ask S or my amma - they will scream loudly that its NOT! coz they get to hear all my crap and console ME! How lucky are they? :P

I used to care a lot about other's opinions and have this innate need for everyone to like me. I am on edge if someone dislikes me. Over time, I guess I have changed...I don't bother anymore! Its just me, once I make up my mind - that's it! I have always been a confident person since childhood and I do know that there is a thin line between confidence and arrogance! The way I look at it now, it all depends on you ....how you want to see me - my confident self or my arrogant self? If you still feel its arrogance - too bad! If you want to be negative about everything, including me - well, what can I say? You are entitled to your opinion and so am I! I have decided to live a life true to myself, not what is expected of me. capishe?

I cannot say this enough - always be positive, things change and for good! As a matter of fact, some not-so-good things happened in my life, that led to some great things! :) That should mean SOMETHING, right? Keep the faith! PERIOD.

Life isn't a matter of milestones, but of moments...

Comfortable Silence...

...I always love the New Year, for me it is reminiscent of hope, excitement and a wee bit anxiety of what is to come? Sometimes, a wee bit too much excitement or anxiety depending on my state of mind! S had to remind me that its just another day, being his practical self, while I expect miracles overnight like a little child...I mull over it and realize that this is who I AM, someone who gets excited over every tiny detail...

I always thought its a good thing to be an open book, you know? Often, even a stranger can just glance at me and know what I am feeling! Over time, I wanted to be mysterious and alluring. But try as much, I end up being like an "open-book exam". I have finally come to terms with the fact that this is ME! I don't want to say "Take it or leave it..." but I would like to say I love the way I am... do you?

There is not as much noise in my head as it used to be...am enjoying the comforting silence...I don't think I have changed radically within the last year, it has been a gradual and positive change, both emotionally and physically.

- Offlate, my opinions and instincts have begun to matter to me. Usually, I would ignore them, thinking I don't have the knowledge or expertise to take an informed decision. NOW, I listen to my heart, even if my mind feels differently and it makes me happy. Finally, that's what matters!

- I have reduced physically, feel more energetic, healthier and fitter. I would like to think I have gained mentally and grown into a mature and happy mind, body and soul.

- I have realized that when you smile more...you attract a lot of happiness to yourself and the people around you! I try to stay away from negative people. I do believe in negative energy and negative vibes.

- I have let go of my inhibitions...I don't think twice about complimenting someone or a complete stranger. Once, while shopping somewhere in India. while I stood in the queue to pay for the shopping, a young girl in college maybe, stood behind me wearing some gorgeous shoes I simply loved! Earlier, I would have just thought to myself that those shoes are awesome! But that day, I smiled at her and said " Your shoes are really cool" and it was so lovely to see genuine happiness on her face and she beamed at me. I realized that I had changed...for good! :)

- I am a blessed soul in many aspects and I am very thankful to God for everything and everyone he has given me. I truly am!

- I am trying really hard to take each day as it comes....i LOVE surprises, but not shocks! So its difficult for me to let go and not worry about the future. But I am consciously trying to enjoy every moment and every day instead of focussing on tomorrow!

Indeed, "Happiness is a state of mind"! Peace, love, joy, happiness and good health to you and yours in 2011! :)

Thinking aloud...

When I created this blog, I did'nt really think or intend for a lot of people to read it, just thought of it as an online journal and hence the inane title and screen-name...I did'nt give it too much thought. Interestingly, friends who read my blog nowadays seem to refer to me as 'prettywoman' and it brings a smile on my face! :)

Some time back, I saw an interview of the gorgeous Actress Goldie Hawn, she has a certain child-like enthusiasm in her that is adorable. She said that when her mother died....80% in her did too....She said " I thought to myself - who would I want to make proud now? ". That is EXACTLY how I feel about my parents - both Amma and Appa. Fortunately, my parents are here with me and by God's grace and blessings, I hope they will be with me for a long time to come....But I think of them every single day in every little thing I do...and rush to call Amma to give her all the little tiny details of my life with as much description as possible.

I think I am still their 'little girl' - I know that's how it is from every parent's eyes! In my case, I'd rather remain that and not grow up! I still revel in their pride and feel deliriously happy when I make them proud, especially when they tell me so often that I do! :) Noone else's opinion matters as much!

Off late, I have heard of so many young people who have died suddenly, 21, 23 and 30 years old - an accident, a sudden illness and I can't stop thinking about how unfulfilled souls they would be...their unrealised dreams, love, places they have never been to, unfulfilled desires...I find it difficult to explain the anguish I feel for them...often, people console you that they are in a better place...but I fervently wish God had given them more time!

One of them was a friend who would talk to me very often about her personal life and she also told me that she would have noone to talk to, as I was relocating to a different city. We tried to remain in touch through the distance and she had been through a difficult relationship, divorced and was really looking forward to love, a new life...new beginnings....it haunts me that she did'nt live long enough to enjoy the good things in life...she did not live life fully...I wonder what went through her mind...

Once, I read on someone's wall on facebook that " Never tell your problems to anyone ...20% don't really care and the other 80% are really glad you have them". I personally think that its a very cynical way of looking at it and fact remains that nobody can really solve your problems. I don't want to be cynical or bitter, I would like to believe that there is goodness in everyone. If the problems are within your control, try to solve them and if they are out of your control, I normally pray to God. That's all I can do and I strongly believe he knows what is best for us...have to admit that its difficult to remain optimistic and cheerful ALL the time...I do have my days! :) But I jump back to action pretty soon...I don't stay sad for too long, simply because it takes little things to make me happy :) and Of course, I have a fantastic support system. Amma's positive words and vibrant nature always makes me feel much better and I feel hopeful.

Many of my friends feel comfortable enough with me to share their very personal things or problems and I am glad that I can be someone they can trust...for a long time, I would always ruminate and try to think of a solution to their problem...then I realized that when I go talk to S or Amma about something that troublles me, do I expect a solution? I don't , I just want to vent...that's all. So I got my answer. I am very well aware that we all have to fight our individual battles but its easier when you have someone who is a good moral support and is generally optimistic about everything...the positive energy is infectious and renews hope in you.

A friend in college once told me that she feels that I am like water in a jug! Apparently, I adapt myself to my surroundings and people as water does to the jug or any container that holds it! Being a piscean, I do love water - be it the beach or tears! Both S and my brother make fun of me...especially if we are watching an emotional scene or a sad movie...coz I am always in tears!!

Last but not the least thought in my mind...is that if someone looks me up and down on the street or when I am out...the first thing that crosses my mind is " Damn! Are my pants unzipped?" and I check! :D

What are YOU thinking about?

Positivity Week (Day 7)!

Today is the final day of the 'Positivity Week' and I think God really wants to test how positivie I am, coz I had a bad day and its going to be difficult to list my 5 things today! No, I am not giving up and will make an effort! :)

1. I am thankful for the warm hug S gave me when I was visibly upset. He calmed me down when I reached home to vent my 'bad feelings' and misery. He can instantly figure out all my moods even if I don't utter a word! I am one of those people who needs to vent it all out, I never keep anything negative or positive bottled up - I believe letting it all out helps you move on...

2. An old lady in the Metro struck a conversation with me (which is a rare occurence as people hardly look at you, forget having a conversation!)...and before she had to get off...she said "You have dimples, no wonder your smile is so beautiful"!! The compliment warmed my heart and made me smile :)

3. I am happy that I found 'Kaushiki Chakrabarty' and her melodious voice that calms all my senses. I feel tranquil in those moments. :)

4. I am another day closer to seeing my darling Amma and Anna! :)

5. This is my 301th post...In Indian culture, when people give money as a gift or blessing, they add an extra rupee to it, like Rs.1001, Rs.501 etc. There is some significance to that practice. It symbolizes the intention of giving a little more than expected, a symbol of prosperity and abundance...which does not stop with a round figure. Similarly, I am happy that this is not my 300th post, but is my 301st post...and I believe it means I will always have happy memories and thoughts to share as time passes by...

This experiment has made me realize that I have so many things/people in my life who make it so much more worthwhile. On all days, (today is an exception), I did'nt need too much time to think about 5 things that made me happy...I am not just looking at the brighter side...I have learnt that there is sunshine and happiness all around...I just need to remove the shades that I am wearing! Enjoy the sunshine and happiness, its out there..within your reach!

Positivity Week (Day 6)

I had a fabulous weekend, looks like the positive thinking is working! Without further ado, I list my 5 happy things for the day!

1. I am happy I found this job. I get a lot of exposure, learning and I have also learnt to be patient. It is really difficult to find employment in Paris (or France?) if you don't speak fluent French and my French is anything but fluent! Strictly speaking, I was'nt 'unemployed', I was doing a lot of freelance work and I treated it like my "business"! But, I found it really difficult to get paid...they would extract the work but dilly-dally on the payments.

So while I got frustrated with the non-payments and scoured through every magazine or website, I mentioned to my friend S that I terribly missed working! I work part-time and this came about, thanks to her, who religiously looked for suitable jobs that fit my profile and referred me to my current job! Thank you S, I am very grateful for this!

2. I feel very blessed that I am married to my best friend! PERIOD. I think that says it all.

3. I am happy that I have learnt to surrender, total surrender to GOD! I have always believed in HIM, but I was very upset with GOD for certain events in my life. Now, I have accepted it and strongly believe that it happened for a reason! He knows what is best for me, he will always be there for me! After all, I am his favorite child! :)

4. Both friends and family think that I am very naive and fail to understand that not everyone is good! I really do trust everyone. I am happy that I see only the 'goodness' in people...if we propogate 'positive thinking', should'nt we learn to focus on the 'goodness' in people too? It has always worked very well for me as even the so-called 'distrustful' or 'mean' people are nice to me! :) I am happy I stuck to my instincts about people.

5. I am truly TRULY grateful that I was born to such wonderful people like my parents and thankful to them for the wonderful sibling they have given me! I know its all destiny, but I feel so lucky for the wonderful family I have!

Positivity Week (Day 5)

It has been a fun-filled weekend with very dear friends...full of fun, laughter and madness ( mostly on my part!) :) Its going to be really easy to list the 5 things that made me happy today!!

1. S and I, met a group of friends and we invited our British friends C and P (from our evening yesterday)...to a Sunday brunch at the world-famous Saravana Bhavan ( they have recently opened a new branch in Paris)....lots of delicious authentic south indian food, friends, conversations and filter-kaapis (filter coffee) later, we were a happy and contented bunch! :)

2. My friend C gave me an absolutely gorgeous surprise - she gave me a lovely green knitted scarf that took her more than a month to complete! It looks stunning and I simply loved it and touched by all the effort that has gone into making it! :) God, I am so blessed to get all this love and affection...will post a picture of the lovely scarf soon - its a sea-green color and its stunning! Thank you so much C, you made me an extremely happy woman today! :)

3. Speaking to the hotel staff in tamizh gives me a high! Apart from S, they are the only people I can speak to, in my mother tongue...and it gives me a sense of being back at home in Madras! It will always be Madras for me, NOT chennai...can't relate to it! :)

4. I have a 'child-like crazy' alter-ego which reveals itself when I am very very happy and comfortable. After a REALLY long time, I could reveal my alter-ego! Very few people get to see this side of me, apart from S and family....and I am glad I could add 2 new friends, C and P, with whom I felt so comfortable! :)

5. The weather is just perfect - cool and pleasant, and its a perfect Sunday! :)

Positivity Week (Day 4)

As we have already established that being positive or positivity is a great feeling, I will directly move on to the 5 things that made me happy today! :)

1. Coupled with my screwed-up hormones, I have a constitution that puts on weight, if I just look at food...leave alone eating it! So I really have to work doubly hard to acheive fitness read lose weight. Last year, I bought a pair of cotton jeans in a sale without trying it out, and when I came home and tried it on, it did'nt move beyond my hips to my utter horror! I stored it away hoping I will fit into it soon....and Voila! when I tried it on today, it did!!!!! I wore it to work today and only I knew how excited I was!! :) I always buy a few clothes that are slightly tight, so that its an incentive for me to work harder... :) My own little trick!

2. My friend C who I met in Paris sends me a random SMS about something we discussed long back....She does that very often....and it brings a big smile on my face! Coz, it shows that she is thinking about me and her SMS always comes at a time when I feel lonely and it cheers me up! An absolute bundle of energy and smiles, she radiates happiness....I am glad she is my friend! :)

3. It was a fun evening with friends C and P, and of course my darling S, an interesting movie (Inception), loads of laughter, great food and interesting conversations. Conversations with friends here are always interesting as we get to know and understand other cultures as well as share with pride, our culture, cuisine and to answer all the curious volley of questions! :)

4. Maybe it sounds very sappy, but I love weekends like everyone else for the same reasons - having a relaxed morning, breakfast, chill or relax and enjoying your time...but there is also another reason! :) If you have been reading all the days of my positivity notes, you will notice that there is an underlying common thread on all days - it is S! He is definitely one of the most important part of my happiness...and I am glad its weekend when I get to spend the entire day with him. I don't need to spend every waking moment with him, but I like to see him around...can't really explain it! :)

5. Same time, next week, I'll be with Amma, Anna and S....probably catching up on everything, having a leisurely breakfast as they would have just arrived late night....cuddling up to Amma, lying down on her lap....I can't wait!

Bon Weekend! Cheers!!

Positivity Week (Day 3)

I truly believe you can achieve happiness and be happy ALL THE TIME! Even if you are feeling really low, if someone smiles at you....you automatically smile back! I love to see smiling faces and most of the time, that's how you can see me - with a huge smile on my face! :) Even when I ping someone, this is a permanent symbol in all my chats - :) !

The conscious effort to stay positive seems to be working pretty well! Writing and listing it out on the blog further reiterates it! Moving on...to the 5 things that make me happy on Day 3!

1. I talk to my mother almost everyday! I am very close to my family which means I also love to talk to my brother and Dad too. But its not always possible to talk to them everyday for the simple reason that my brother needs to be at work and my Dad does not like to talk much! So my brother and I, send each other offline messages when we have something important to to say to each other, share music or any little thing! I smiled when I read his 'offline message' today! I am so glad that we manage to connect almost anytime despite the time difference and busy workind days.

2. My FB status reads ' Yours truly and Preeti Shenoy are focussing on being positive!' referring to the experiment! One of my friends who likes to tease me a lot, commented that 'So what's your blood group, B positive'? ...I had the last laugh this time coz I REALLY am B+!!! I know this friend S through my husband S, but we make fun of each other like we have been friends for years! I like the easy camaraderie we share and am grateful for the lovely friendship! :)

3. I love cooking and enjoy trying out different kinds of dishes....of course, I need to be in the mood for it ( I hate the prepping part of cutting veggies, grinding, purees, buying the veggies in the first place)! There are days I'd rather have Maggi noodles for breakfast, lunch and dinner....anyway, I tried this Potato Capsicum Pulao from Nag's food blog! It turned out really well and S gave me a bonus when he got back home to say he loved it! He ALSO pinged me to say he really enjoyed lunch. It made me really happy. I owe it to Nags, who has a lovely blog and her method of explaining the recipe step-by-step with pictures makes me feel very confident about the outcome! Thank you Nags! If i want to make something different, I always check her blog first!

4. One of my friends from school is reconnecting with me on FB after a decade and she had sent me a message saying this " Janani, I must say that you look more beautiful than before....is it luv....;-)....??? All your profile pics are dazzling!" I am always thrilled to receive compliments and it made me feel good to read that! Yeah, I am vain like that! Bite me! :)

5. Last but not the least, believe me, I am really glad its FRIDAY!! I am this super-bright, chirpy person on all Fridays! My friends, colleagues and family will vouch for it!

Positivity Week (Day 2)

As you continue to find out the things that make me happy...you will realize that its very easy to make me happy. I get excited about the most inane things....or the little things! :) I also think its the best-kept secret to happiness...finding happiness in the little things in life...don't you agree?


1. I happened to watch interviews of Jada Pinket-Smith and Will Smith on Oprah and an old interview of Hrithik-Suzanne Roshan and it felt so good to see that they are so much in love and are the best of friends even after many years of being married and kids. Sadly, I am a witness to many of my friend's relationships and marraiges (of many years failing, even the most romantic couples I have known)....and this was a welcome change! I hope to see many more couples like them who help each other grow!

2. I am forever in a dilemma about growing/cutting my hair and bug S everytime asking if i should cut my hair....he said 'babe, you look sexy in long hair, so keep it!'....now that did'nt make me feel good....I was thrilled! ..and of course, I am growing my hair now! ;-) Besides, I am terrified of Amma's reaction if i cut my hair again and I have had short hair for quite some time now!

3. I saw this smiling baby on the Metro with the most beautiful eyes and she gave me such a gorgeous smile....it made me feel sooo good! If it was back home in India, I would have played with the child or touched her tiny hand....but here, I have to make an effort to stop myself from doing that! :) All babies are beautiful and ethereal...PERIOD.

4. Call me a material girl or a girly girl! But I just found this amazing natural shade of lipstick ( Golden Souffle, L'oreal)....and it tastes really good....does that count? :P

5. I listen to some good music everyday on my commute to work. Those 30 - 40 minutes, my entire life is a soundtrack and everyone else simply cease to exist! The grumpy faces, heat ( summer is killing esp. on the Metro with soo many people and non-existant ventilation) just don't bother me...and I am on a high! Depending on my mood that day, I am either listening to some calming music like melodious numbers or Hindustani classical or I am listening to super-koothu ( fast beat) songs or interesting songs with good beats and I am doing a mental dance if that's possible! :)

Positivity Week (Day 1)

Nothing interesting to write on the blog all this month. For me, the highlight of this month was that I would be going to the A.R.Rahman concert! Unfortunately, the concert got cancelled and since then I have been moping around coz I was REALLY looking forward to it!


So when I saw this post on Preeti's blog! I jumped in, coz I have always wanted to focus on being positive and looking at the brighter side...and what a lovely idea to do just that! I strongly believe that 'Happiness is a state of mind' and if you make a conscious effort, you can always be happy. Yes, we all do feel low at times and its ok to falter....just remember not to dwell on the negatives! I try not to! :)


As Preeti suggests, starting from today, for the next 7 days - I am going to write 5 things that made me feel happy or grateful.

1. I am grateful for the steaming cup of coffee (with a touch of cinnamon, for good health) that my darling husband makes for me every single day while I am in 'blink' mode! I am not a morning person and it takes some time for me to come back to reality, literally!! It makes me feel really good that he understands that and I love the gesture! I also thank him every single day coz I never take anything for granted!


2. My friend M pings me almost every day with a ' Hello Darling' or a ' Good morning sweetheart' virtually and it puts a huge smile on my face everyday when I read it. Very few people call me or address me with endearments like that and mean it. The green light next to her name is reassuring even if we are not chatting or having a conversation all the time. The virtual world is such a boon and of course, my friend is a big blessing in my life!

3. From the time I have known that Amma and Anna are visiting me, I wake up with a smile thinking I am getting closer to seeing them! I am super excited and thrilled that they are visiting even if it is for a short while.

4. I feel very good when S and I discuss our respective days at work and have a nice chat when we get home at the end of a tiring day. We have a fabulous view of the Eiffel Tower ( another aspect I am very grateful for!) from our Living Room and Kitchen...so we enjoy each other's company, conversations and the fabulous view at night when its all lit up while we cook together or have a snack or just sip tea or coffee!

5. I felt really good when I sprayed on some Coco Chanel Perfume ( very French, huh?), as I got ready to go to work! My friend gave it to me just like that when we met yesterday! It was really thoughtful of her and such a bonus for me to get a gift for no reason! How cool is that and what a lucky bum am I?

I am also grateful to Preeti for this lovely impromptu surprise she gave me...you brought a huge grin on my face (all day!) , Preeti! and a BIG THANK YOU :)

I wish...But...

I wish I were perfect
But there is no perfection in the real world

I wish everyone liked me
But I can't please everyone

I wish I were not judged for all my actions
But you are entitled to your opinion?

I wish I could live life on my own terms
But who is stopping me?

I wish I could hold on to everything and everyone I love
But nothing is permanent in life

I wish I knew the purpose of my life
But life is all about the journey, not the destination

I wish I were always happy

But would I value it as much?

Why do we want it all?

I am all for woman empowerment, rather equalit of the sexes. I am not one of those 'women' who thinks that I am superior to men at all. I would just like to be considered an equal in all respects irrespective of my gender which is often the case in point. But off late, I feel women are inflicting torture upon themselves in wanting to be a 'superwoman' who not only cooks, cleans, personally takes care of her child's needs but also has a flourishing career and a fantastic figure to boast of! The best part of this is that nobody forces her to excel at everything, its a self-inflicted expectation.

Our mothers and grandmothers were so much healthier, happier and most importantly, more relaxed. We are always working hard to prove a point to everyone else (that includes me!) and in the process often choose to ignore our own voices or desires. We never seem to think about what we really want or go after it with enough conviction.Sometime back, I made a conscious decision to not get bogged down by what others think of me. It was not an instant change, but gradually I learnt to take everything with a pinch of salt - both compliments and negativity. I must say it has immensely lightened and enlightened my mind. One step at a time.

Now, my personal objective is to be positive about anything and everything. Surround yourself with happy thoughts and positive people and automatically you will attract all good things in life. I try not to say anything negative or feel negative about anyone or anything which is pretty difficult considering I am human! :) But I am trying... I have a very bad quality, I am very judgemental and judge people very quickly. That is also something I must 'undo'...for example, I used to hate people who smoke, I always thought that having such a nasty habit reflects on their character too. Now, I look at it as a bad habit they must get rid of. PERIOD. It does not make them a bad person. Of course, my judgemental self looks at smoking as a complete lack of self control. I strongly believe that nothing should have control over your senses - be it smoking or any habit! Period. Its all in your mind. Anyway, I digress...

Earlier, I would have pestered the smoking friend to quit or explained how toxic it is and how it affects your system and so on and so forth. Now, I don't say anything unless I am close or comfortable enough to take that liberty! S/he is well aware of how smoking affects them and is making an informed decision when they decided to smoke. Certain things in life are learnt only the hard way round and it applies to me as well. I have had to unlearn a lot of things only through experience, I didn't accept it when it was good advice from my folks! :) Well, at least its not too late! ( No, I don't smoke, am referring to different things!) :)

I agree life is not easy. At the same time, life is beautiful depending on how you want to look at it and what you consciously decide to focus on! Do you know just about ANYONE whose life is perfect or someone who has no problems at all? I want to be a good person, who is happy and cheerful and I would like to spread happiness and cheer in whatever way I can! These are things I have control over. You will never understand how you will yearn for something when its taken away from you...so savour every moment, every day and all the love you get! Be loving and smile as much as you can! I AM! :)

Don't burst my bubble!

I have always wondered how some thing new in your life or when you embark on a new journey in life - it feels as if everybody or the rest of your world validates your decision with their contributions. For example, S and I were engaged for about a year before we got married. During this time, I would notice that his name would appear everywhere - on T.V., billboards, newspaper or I would meet someone with his name!! I always thought that its a sign and a good sign too. While S likes to think that you are more aware of it and hence take notice, I like to think that its providence! It is meant to be...

It amazes me that when I discuss any travel plans with S or I am looking for something to buy for someone, there is an article in the paper or a program on T.V. or someone forwards a link at the exact same time or I attend an interview in a particular company and everybody seems to refer to the same company in different contexts and conversations. I can't believe that all events are mere coincidences! How else do you explain the various occurences in your life? I prefer to remember only the good ones. In fact, except for my first job ( which also just happened!), every time we moved to a different place, I got a job thanks to a new friend I made somewhere( both in Pune and Paris)...and the best part is that they took an active role in helping me find a job when we were not really close friends. We became close friends later. I like to believe that they came into my life for a reason; to fulfill a desire! God has his ways of fulfilling your desires, you need to identify them! Of course, its a fact that I am blessed with such people who think of me for a job or anything for that matter.( Also, god's blessing, I think!). It works the other way too, you get introduced to someone to fulfill a purpose in their life...

I am always intrigued and totally believe in destiny. If it is meant to be, be it a relationship or career or anything signficant in your life, it WILL happen when HE thinks it is the right time! I believe only in happy endings and good things everywhere, i choose to ignore the bad ones or thoughts that disturb me. I love movies with any kind of magic in it and I don't care if it makes me very unrealistic! I don't want to burst my happy bubble. :)

Its my way of protecting myself. what's yours?

Epiphany!

I am a girl's girl who likes shopping, Chick-lit movies, books while S is a guy's guy who likes video games, Formula One and gadgets. But there are a few things we have in common and if there is something we both definitely enjoy - C'est FRIENDS!

If you know me personally, you would know that I am an ardent fan of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, like many other similar-minded people I know! I have the entire series of DVDs at home ( courtesy S!)....and it never fails to cheer me up every single time! I guess its so easy to relate to each of the characters that makes it so enjoyable, be it their frustrations or misgivings about succeeding in Life, Men or having children or simply having fun together at each other's expense...I have often yearned to have a group like that, with whom you can just be yourself and also have fun together...when you don't always need to be on guard!

I don't think that its not entirely impossible either! I guess, we are always competing with each other to succeed in your career or you have a new relationship or you are in a different city or country or it could be just about anything that keeps you away from your close friends....and slowly, though you keep in touch on and off on occasion...you drift apart! There are times when I meet someone for the first time and connect on so many levels or there is instant laughter that reminds me of the same bond I shared with a good friend some time back...which did'nt really continue forever, sadly!

Having said that, I can proudly say that I have a few people in my life with whom I can just share whatever I feel. I don't have to do a once-over before saying anything! ( I am sorry if people who don't follow FRIENDS can't relate to this...) but...there is an episode where Rachel and Pheobe share that how they are jealous about Monica's awesome relationship with Chandler on a scale of 80-20! They keep wondering if they will ever have someone like that in their life. I just loved it that the raw human emotion - jealousy, was portrayed so well....I could understand where they came from! Let's face it, we all feel jealous or envious at some point of time in life, including me! Its more of a fear if I will ever have that than jealousy or probably just insecurity.....I think! Its reassuring that I have a few friends (...and all these people know who I mean!) including Amma, to whom I can frankly say it out loud that I felt a negative emotion that time....and just vent! That's it...that chapter is over...sorta thing! ....

I am so glad that S and I are the best of friends! It really helps that I have a best friend for life, who will forever be with me and vice versa! I know it sounds cliche, but its true! Just the other day, on the Metro, I saw this really handsome guy, maybe 6-5"? ( I have a thing for tall men!) and after some time, he came and sat next to me and gave me a smile as I got down in my stop! I did a little jig in my mind! I came home and related this to S, while we both made dinner....and I did'nt even think twice what he would think or feel...coz I know he knows me! We feel very secure about each other and its absolutely fine to openly discuss and tease each other too!

Then it struck me, I may not have friends in the same format as is on the FRIENDS show, but the essence remains the same! Essentially, I have a few great friends who are non-judgemental, loving and always waiting and ready to pull a leg anytime! Of course, friends within the family is a BLESSING not many people have, now don't get jealous! ;-)

Commute on the Metro...

...It takes a little more than half-hour to reach place of work....and its an experience in itself every single day!

Initially, I found it really wierd that people ( especially Paris) are really morose, hardly ever smile and are generally grumpy.Now, I guess I have got used to it and find different ways to amuse myself, like looking at interesting shoes the women wear, hairstyles, fashionable (sometimes look ridiculous to me!) earrings, piercings....I can watch people like forever and not get bored. Of course, on most days good music and books give me company on the train. Anyway, one such day on the Metro filled with morose people, there was this beautiful baby with the most beautiful blue-grey eyes, laughing and gurgling away....the people in the train are so quiet and self-absorbed that her gurgles could be heard clearly.I could see a tiny smile creep in....I got down with a smile!

In the Concorde, Opera and few other Metro stations, IKEA has come up with an innovative idea! In front of all big posters of IKEA, there are colorful couches installed and people just plop down in comfort, to the extent that they even miss the trains deliberately. I am tempted too but am always rushing to work at the last minute, so I can't stop like that. The couches bring a smile on my face too!

( Image courtesy: http://adoholik.com)

A few days back, a blind person entered the train with this beautiful furry dog (guide-dog) just like Kaspar! The way he sat down with such an air of majesty and looked at me with his gorgeous eyes, my eyes welled up in tears. I surprised myself coz I grew up with a morbid fear of dogs and Kaspar has changed my attitude towards dogs. I look at them with the same affection with which I look at babies. Cats still creep me out and I miss Kaspar big time! I never thought I would feel this way...

Trente - 12 March 2010!

MY BIRTHDAY IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME. I imagine that I am royalty on that day and feel extremely special and get all excited. This year, I am all excited but the enthusiasm is a tad less. According to my own stupid definition "Anyone who is 30 or in the 30's is officially uncle/aunty". I didn't think too much about the fact that I would get older and 'qualify' in a couple of years or so! So if you are reasonably smart, you will understand that I'm 30 this year! Officially, I am no longer amongst the '20-something's. Sigh!

Normally, I don't bother a lot about how old I am or get upset if someone wants to know how old I am! ( Wierd that I have answered that question numerous times, here in Paris!). But this year, I think I am a little sad that I have turned 30! Bloody hell, I often wonder how my mom would feel, she has a 30-year old daughter!!! Enough of the ranting now, I guess. For sure, my energy, enthusiasm or zest for life will not change one bit! I am still going to have a lot of fun, right? Right!

So if I think about what has changed, I would like to think they are mostly good changes; For example, I think I have a better dress sense and a general idea of what suits me better! On a different note, when S and I were looking at pictures on the laptop; he commented "Look, how many different hair styles you have had over the years? " That sent a silent thrill through me, I felt wild! :D

I have colored my hair twice and got another piercing in my ear, something that I'd wanted to do for many years but couldn't because my parents strictly refused. I know it probably sounds silly to you but for me it was kind of liberating to experiment with my looks without having to worry about what my parents will say or feel. In fact, even now, if I'm going home, I make sure not to color or cut my hair! Silly me!

I have an excessive amount of clothes/bags/shoes/jewellery (more than I like to admit!) ...and this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you to hear that! That's it - you will never ever hear me say that again!! :D. Sometimes, I can't even remember when I bought something and I feel terrible for being so greedy, but that thought vanishes within seconds of walking across any shopping area or even in the vicinity of where I can lay my eyes on something, even from a distance!!

I have travelled to so many beautiful countries and am hoping the journey continues, with my dear S, of course! I have a proper fitness routine and am much fitter and stronger than I used to be.Most importantly, I may be older but am definitely more mature and wiser! I would like to think I have toned down my emotional side a little bit. I don't believe in altering my entire personality, for sure! I am not there yet, but I think I am a better person than I used to be...I have an awesome partner, family and a close group of friends who are much loved and love me more!

I don't believe in going back in time like a lot of people often want to or often say 'those were the days...golden days' and all that! I enjoy every phase and I am very happy where I am. I strongly believe it is is important to enjoy every phase as-is! So if I am 30 now, enjoy being 30 to the fullest replete with all the excitement and vigor! To a large extent, I am very happy where I am. I did'nt even dream of the life I live now. I have a wonderful life and I earnestly thank God for it. Of course, like everyone else, I have a few regrets but they are events that I had no control over.

In retrospect, I think God meant for it to happen for my own good coz he made sure I got here. I believe in him and have faith in him. I am sure he will make my wish come true when its the right time. He knows what is best for me. (sounds cryptic, i know - but this is more of a self-note!)

Last year, I spent my birthday in Paris (wooooohoooo!) AND the entire evening at the Eiffel Tower! Tres Tres romantique! This year, S has rented an awesome houseboat ( check the awesome place here - http://www.luckypiper.com/eng/indexned.htm) for us and we are spending the entire weekend after in Amsterdam! It was supposed to be a surprise for me, except now that I have started working, he had to tell me so that I could inform people at work!! I hope Amsterdam makes me forget I am 30! I am sorry I can't stop whining! I will definitely post pictures of the magical Amsterdam here and here!

P.S - Turning 30 is not so bad at all!!! Coz I got DIAMONDS!!!! My darling S sure knows how to cheer me up ;-)

Emotional Makeover in Progress - Part II?

Further to this , I would like to think I am evolving as a person. I have begun to stop making spot-judgements about people. I have learnt over time that they are not like what they seem to be. If I met someone and assumed that they were rude and arrogant coz they did'nt smile much or talk much; I have always been proved wrong. They have become good friends who helped me out with kindness and smiled a lot more indeed; except they needed to know I can be trusted or warm up to me. I guess it took me some time to understand that people are cautious and take their time to know you or trust you completely. Unlike me - I trust every single person very quickly and Ouch! My blind trust has hurt me so many times that I can't even count. Lesson learnt. Be cautious and take your time to trust anyone. Do not make spot-judgements. PERIOD.

I have also learnt another important lesson. It takes a lot of dignity to remain silent and though it may seem ludicrous to be silent at that point, believe you me, there is indeed dignity in silence. As they say " Barking dogs seldom bite". For someone like me, who thinks its very important to express or say what you feel and to remain silent is blasphemy??!! BUT, sometimes, its better to remain silent than waste your time, effort and feelings retaliating! Tough - but its got to be done! Life's beautiful but people are'nt easy, you know? I don't mean to sound sexist or anything and I say this purely from personal experience that its easier to talk to men. It's not so stressful and you don't always have to be extra careful about what you say and how it can be interpreted. I do have a few awesome girlfriends; except it took me a few wrong people ( read friends) to get to them! You have to meet a few wrong men before you can appreciate "the right one" is true of friendships too!

Someone once told me that the best way to deal with any conflict within you or to control anger or disappointment is to look at yourself as a spectator and simply experience and accept any emotion you feel; be it anger, disappointment, joy or happiness. I remember flashing my trademark 'what-else-can-i-do smile and thinking to myself "Yeah right! That's easier said than done!"

In retrospect, as I type this post, I realize that's what I am doing. I am analyzing the changes in me over a period of time as if i would analyse a third person! It is also about acceptance and adjustments. I guess I am learning to be "street-smart"!

P.S - Do hop on to my photoblog, which is something my brother and I are working on jointly! Something we can both connect....your feedback is very much appreciated!