Life as I knew it...

We all have a love-hate relationship with the rest of the world, don't we? When I was much younger, single and basically " a frog in the well", life was pretty simple! :) I just needed to get certain things done, and I thought that's about it - I am "there"!


As I began to explore, my circle of friends got bigger and I "broadened my horizons", so to speak, that feeling of achievement or contentment seems like a mirage! Now, I yearn for those simple days when it all seemed so much easier! :) Believe you me, I am not a cynic in any sense, but I just feel that "innocence" abandoned me somewhere along the way!

Most people who know me, may not believe this - but I am kind of skeptical about everything now - people, things, places, hell - even a friendly smile! But the thing is, by god's grace, except for a few not-so-good (at all!) events and fewer people - I am blessed and I am totally aware of it and openly acknowledge it! A good friend of mine was upset about something and when I tried to console her, she said " Oh, its easy for you to say - coz everything is perfect for you". I didn't say anything. The fact of the matter is nobody's life is perfect though it appears so! :) My life's good, but definitely not perfect - ask S or my amma - they will scream loudly that its NOT! coz they get to hear all my crap and console ME! How lucky are they? :P

I used to care a lot about other's opinions and have this innate need for everyone to like me. I am on edge if someone dislikes me. Over time, I guess I have changed...I don't bother anymore! Its just me, once I make up my mind - that's it! I have always been a confident person since childhood and I do know that there is a thin line between confidence and arrogance! The way I look at it now, it all depends on you ....how you want to see me - my confident self or my arrogant self? If you still feel its arrogance - too bad! If you want to be negative about everything, including me - well, what can I say? You are entitled to your opinion and so am I! I have decided to live a life true to myself, not what is expected of me. capishe?

I cannot say this enough - always be positive, things change and for good! As a matter of fact, some not-so-good things happened in my life, that led to some great things! :) That should mean SOMETHING, right? Keep the faith! PERIOD.

Friendship and Happiness!

I have found happiness in unexpected times...friendship from unexpected quarters!..When I didn't expect to feel happy or for that matter, didn't think someone would reach out to me and that someone would definitely not be the one I thought it would be...so it comes as a pleasant surprise when it is unexpected and I began to re-evaluate my choices in life, choice of 'friends' and misplaced trust, maybe?! I can never understand the enigma that people can be...and I say it with no malice, it is more of a wondering, if I will ever figure it out or maybe that's how its meant to be. You are not supposed to figure it out, you know?!

I have always believed you have to love yourself first for others to love you...similarly, you first need to be happy yourself to make others happy. Can you imagine trying to make someone laugh while you are crying or sad? Maybe, you can smile imagining it! When did wanting to find happiness and be cheerful and upbeat become a selfish act? Why do we all expect approval from others all the time? In fact, if you have observed, there is always a need in all of us to do something ALL the time! You have to get somewhere. PERIOD. Even when you are on a holiday, you have a to-do list which is all great! But in the process, you forget to enjoy the experience. We have all heard of the phrase 'The journey to the destination is as important as reaching the destination'...but somewhere along the line we did'nt understand the meaning or may be fail to comprehend the meaning of life itself.

You are weak and vulnerable if you cry. You are dull and boring if you don't seek thrills. You are a wuss if you are emotional. Who makes up these things? When did you become an authority? Is there a point to blindly follow what others say? In the fear of being branded something, people hide their true emotions, they never experience it and I am no exception! I am generally a very happy person; you will always find me smiling and cheerful. BUT, I am human, and I have my low moments too and I feel sad too. People really close to me get to see this side, mostly Amma, S and a few close friends.

Obviously, they want me to focus on the good things I have or am blessed with and not to dwell on the demotivating aspects. While I would like to think I am self-motivated and optimistic, I hate it when I actually pity myself. I REALLY do…I feel like I have failed myself when I cry. But I have no qualms in admitting that when I cry it out, I really do feel better. It could be psychological? But hey, if it helps, it’s ok, right? Right!

Honestly, I find it very artificial when I meet people who are ALWAYS upbeat and cheerful anytime of the day. I think its humanly impossible or it could be a case of sour grapes, maybe? If i think about it now, maybe such people camouflage their negative feelings or frustrations well. How I wish they were open about it? People like me would not feel so guilty about feelings sad. Coz it makes me feel I am a weak person and that I need to be strong all the time.

I would like to believe I have evolved as a person coz I am able to acknowledge or identify the not-so-pleasant aspects of me. Most of the times, I only begin the self-improvement process, it does not move beyond a point, like i have reached a plateau or something!

Have you ever...

Have you ever felt really happy and upbeat; and in the next hour or so felt really sad?

Have you ever felt your heart will just burst with all the love you feel for him/her?

Have you often wondered how beautiful Nature is?

Have you ever wondered how complex people can be?

Have you ever been able to understand why there is so much conflict or violence in this world?

Have you learnt lessons from something that happened in your life?

Have you ever accepted that you do have a Big Ego?

Have you realized the true value of good friends?

Have you ever felt this sudden urge to be able to see/touch someone you love?

Have you loved unconditionally?

Have you ever thought about your last breath on Earth?

Have you ever considered yourself beautiful?

I have...

Restless!

I am feeling restless right now...( all those well-meaning friends out there, I am absolutely fine, no problems...its just me!)...I feel as if I didn't do anything completely if you know what I mean? I could have pursued my Music with more passion instead of simply going with the flow like everyone else...why didn't I goad myself further, I think, when I hear awesome soul-stirring music and think why didn't i explore the music in me...I can already hear my mom in the background screaming 'I told you so...'.

I have a healthy mix of friends, there are those who are happily married with kids within a year or so, totally domesticated and there are those who are pretty much single and career-oriented jet-setting around the world and there are some others who are precisely like me. I am neither here nor there....I am not too domesticated nor too ambitious. Is that good or bad? Most importantly, does it need to be good or bad? what's important is that I am comfortable where I am...Well, I AM! But I do think once in a while if I am living life to the fullest, doing everything that i wanted to do?

Life is wierd sometimes, and the human mind is even more complex. All you can think of is about acheiving or getting something and once you do, you move on to greener pastures now that its done! You dont linger on to enjoy or appreciate what you have achieved..isnt it?
I hate people who cross items off their balance sheet and check with you to compare with yours! Am i not doing the same?

Sometimes, in the middle of the day, I feel like hugging someone or wonder if a hug would clear my mind? I really need the warmth of a hug, maybe I want reassurance, I dont know, am i weird?

true to the title of my blog...

I am just gonna ramble on here...Offlate, I have been having some really wierd dreams, so wierd that I can't imagine where to start....THAT wierd!

Anyway, you know I am this restless kinda person....and routine bores me like anything. I get up in the day thinking there will be surprises...of course i am only talking about pleasant surprises....may be something like an award at work or even better a promotion, a holiday to Newzealand, a gift? new clothes? if not, a new lipstick? or maybe even something as simple as a day off...Like back in school, when you reach school to find that its a holiday!! Its an awesome feeling...am sure everyone else feels that way too, Now come on, dont you? I read my forecast everyday in the paper, but I am that kinda optimistic types who thinks only the positives will work for me. If there is something negative, I always think 'Come on, there are other pisceans in this world, must be for them!!" :D

The trip that I spoke about here is happening and I am going to Pondicherry in June. Lots of poeple go " Pondicherry?? Why would you want to go there???" I dont know...I think it will be a lot more pleasant in those beaches rather than the Goa ones ( atleast the ones I went to..) where all you can see are hordes of people on dirty mattresses and young boys pestering you to go on one of those water sports thingies. Now, I am all for fun and frolic but its an overkill when you are not allowed to settle down or even decide what you want to do...So puhleez, Pondicherry anyday, thank you!! I had a rocking time there once when I went with my office folks, it was such a lot of fun and a really memorable trip. I loved the quaint little town. Also, the incentive for me is that I get to visit my folks and stay with them. Incidentally, their anniversary is the next day to mine...so one more special reason! :-)

All my close friends have had babies and I have not seen them all in a long time though I am constantly in touch through IM..dont know how many people I can visit in such a short while! Wish there were many more hours in a day to do all that I want to do or need to do...

....Its a Sunday evening, S has just gone to Bangalore.....and am left home in the evening We have been messaging each other ever since...I miss him! I know its only a couple of days, but i still miss him....I like to see him around...in the background, reading a paper, polishing his shoes, drinking coffee, listening to his music that I simply cant understand, talking to me, teasing me, cuddling with me watching TV, fighting for the TV, hell...even playing his games on his stupid mobile!...Hell, I MISS you dude...


....I am alone at home. The house is extremely quiet...and I look out the window as I write here...wondering where I lost something really precious that my hard working parents struggled to give me...and I feel like an ass...I hope to God I have not lost it and get it back!! :-( I cant stop thinking about it...apart from S!